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| Friday, April 28, 2006 |
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ON BLOG LEAVE
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I am currently on blog leave. I'm hying off to the City of Smiles - Bacolod, and the rest of Negros, generally... It's a family affair... I'll be off blogging for at least a week... Buhbye... c",) Labels: rantings |
posted by remrick @ 3:07 PM  |
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Of civility and flying mortarboards
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Blah, I just don't get it. What's all the fuss about that anti-GMA in-your-face heckler from Cavite State University? I was watching the news, when I saw the report where she was being hailed as some sort of "role model" or something for her bold move to "express her sentiments." Crap. And it got into my nerves when I saw no less than the likes of our very own University Student Council Chair Marco de los Reyes and other USC Councilors hailing here as some sort of hero(/heroine). Yet more crap. Don't our councilors have anything better to do? Rather than make up false heroes and role-models, shouldn't they be brushing up on their manners? Heck, if it was my graduation, things would have been different. If I had seen her unfurling a protest banner in the middle of the ceremony, I'd have not only raised my hat (I think the term is mortarboard, right?) to her, I'd also have sent it flying into her face. Oh no, she has no right whatsoever to debase the solemnity of the ceremonies, and disregard the opinion of others to insist on her own She has no right to express herself at the expense of her fellow graduates and their parents who either have differing views or are sick and tired of politics. If she had no respect for Gloria, then she should have at least respected her fellow graduates and their parents. And besides, if she really was defiant and 'brave' and wanted to express her sentiments against the president, why did she have to go up on stage and shake hands with GMA? She could have told Gloria in her face to resign or given her a lecture on governance for all I care. Take yer crap with you. I'm having none of it. To clarify things, I am not a pro-administration lackey.Who likes Gloria? I certainly don't. But if Ms. Maria Theresa Pangilinan had any qualms about having what she calls a "fake president" as the guest of honor, then she could have done two things: 1. Opposed during the meeting of the School Board (She is the Student Gov't Chair), or written to the university administration or something. 2. Or if that fails, then she could have protested all she wanted in front of the Admin. Building all day. That's freedom of expression for you. She has got to know her limits. Her rights end where those of others begin. If I were a fellow graduate, while she has the right to freedom of expression, I have the right to a solemn, orderly, and pleasantly memorable graduation. And so do my parents. She just ruined the entire ceremony; what right does she have to do that? And besides, while she has her constitutionally-granted right to express herself, there is such a thing as a proper time and place... a proper venue... a proper forum... She could have at least waited 'til the end of the program, then she could have heckled and shouted at the president all she wanted. We shouldn't be acting like children, intimidating and hurling insults at people we don't like. What she did wasn't commendable; it was condemnable. What she did wasn't brave, it was brash. What she did does not, in any way, stand for the beliefs and attitudes of the Filipino yout; it spoke of immaturity, impetuousness and the hell-may-care attitude of the activist and militant youth. And she had this to say: "What I did was to stand for what many Filipinos believe is the truth - that she (Mrs. Arroyo) cheated to win the presidency." Now, is that how a 'university student' - let alone graduate - acts and thinks?
To dish out glittering generalities? To act solely and impulsively on 'belief' and perception (and not think of proof or validation)? Shame. We - this goes to all the youth - should me more critical - not only of those in power, but others as well - and more mature. What we have in this country is a love for trumpeting our rights and civil liberties, but a lack of civility - that one basic ingredient for a well-ordered society. And we this glaring lack when a citizen diregards public welfare... when someone smokes even in crowded places, when someone turns the city into one big garbage dump, and when somebody acts without thinking or giving consideration to other people. If our USC hails Ms. Pangilinan as a role model, then I'd beg to disagree. No thanks. I'd rather be a deviant. And be damned proud of it. Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 2:04 PM |
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| Wednesday, April 26, 2006 |
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Nostalgia
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I seem to be harboring a lot of hate lately...
Currently, I'm hating myself for doing this. What I mean is, it's so damn obvious, why do I still have to write about it?
But I'll be damned if I continue to be in denial. Might as well write what I feel. And I hate being a hyprocite.
I miss UP... I miss the rain trees (what we call 'acacias') that line the Acad Oval, the fire trees along the Freshie Walk and their red blooms that get caught in the wind in June and July, the greens at the bowl-shaped Sunken Garden, the lotus flowers at the Lagoon, and the sight of the Oblation and Quezon Hall. . .
But gawd, how I miss dorm/basement life even more... And my (former =C) floormates aren't helping either, forwarding messages about bedchecks at 9 pm, Corridor Assemblies at the Tambayan, room-hopping and kwentuhan, the usual stuf...
And the people, I won't even talk about them... the moments and the routines...
That was the life. . . And now it's gone. . .
Caught up in the wind and taken away . . .
Just like the fiery blooms of the fire trees in June. . .
. . .and Acceptance But with nostalgia comes acceptance, the realization that life moves on, and getting left behind is just isn't an option. Might as well go with the wind, wherever it might take us. Maybe at the end, just maybe, it'll bring us a life better than the one that was. . . April 5, 2006 Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 4:08 PM |
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| Monday, April 24, 2006 |
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Stories from the Sea
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I've been trying to avoid getting hold of pen and apper ever since I stepped inside this floating hunk of metal they call "Superferry 19."
I've been trying to keep myself from writing. Ironic, isn't it? Especially for someone like me who considers himself a 'writer.' But there just isn't any pleasure in writing anymore, given the circumstances. I'm all alone, drifting in the middle of the sea, still a bit depressed for having just left my home for my freshman year and leaving behind great friends and the person I've fallen head over heels for, with no certainty that I'll ever be seeing some of them again come the next academic year, and even if I do, I'd still be tormented by the facte that the circumstances have changed and we'll all be living different lives... Talk about run-on sentences! Am I ranting like hell here, or what? Sigh, it's just so... frustrating... This bundle of emotions I can't even begin to describe. Though I feel much better now, having prayed fro everyone and lifted up everything to Him, I still can't deny the fact that something's still nagging at me.... I'm still troubled... That's why I'm hopelessly scribbling on the pages of a blueboook I barely managed to extract from my overstuufed backpack, writing and trying to let off some steam. Ah, here goes another long night. . .
8:11 pm, April 1 2006
Untitled "It's hard to lose something that can never be yours in any way youthink of. You just have to learn to let go and accept that whilse some good things never last... some don't even start." That one hit the spot. Oooh, I so hate myslef for doing this... all this whimpering, mushy, senti, stuff... I never would have imagined that stuff like these would ever bget published in my blog. But I don't get it. Up to now, I'm still left hanging, asking myself how I couyld've fallen so hard for someone I barely even knew. Was it the person's fault for having such irresistible eyes? ANd why did it have to happen just when dorm life was about to end? So many questions... And it never was in the first place, we didn't even know each other... So why do I get all these feeling of loneliness, longing and regret? I don't know how or why, but just when I was leaving the dorm for good this morning, I saw 'someone' lining up toi get a dorm clearance. Damn it. I went blank. LOL. To think that just yesterday I was all gloomy and blue beacuse 'someone' had left the dorm last Thursday. Come to think of it, I can't explain my reaction just this morning. I should have felt bad beacuse the person I'm talking about wasn't recommended to any of the upperclassmen dorms, so I probably will not be seeing that person again... ever... But instead, I felt good... I felt ... relieved. A sign that i'm finally getting over this madness? Nah, it's a long shot. But I hope so...
8:39 pm, April 1 2006
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE This ship is sooo scary... Ghost ship? Hah, you wouldn't believe what I'm about to tell you... It'll make your hairs stand on end... (sfx: fade in: deep demonic laughter, fade out, cut#) Having nothing better to do, I was roaming around the ship and found myself heading towards the videoke bar and dining salon... When suddenly I heard this strange sound... It was a weird, mellow voice... I opened the door, when I looked inside... there she was... Horror of all horrors! Ano'ng mga nagaganap?! A white-haired granny (in a duster, if I'm not mistaken) was up on stage, singing a soulful rendition of "Give thanks." And what was even more mind-boggling was that the crowd (yes, there was a crowd) was actually singing along with her (although, some of the guys and not a few grils were sneering at poor-ol'-granny)... I was like: blank expression, mouth hanging open and one BIG sweatdrop. . . Is it Sunday yet? For crying out loud Lola, why are you singing an offertory song in Superferry 19's videoke bar? Utang na loob! Is this some sort of anticipated mass for tomorrow? Or am I just having a nightmare? If so, then please wake me up before I join the likes of Rico Yan (bless his soul)... I couldn't take it. It was just too much to bear. I left in a huff. What's happening to the world? Or is it just me who's lost his marbles? LOL. 'Di kazya. . .
10:29 pm, April 1 2006
MEL-ancholy
Few people know just how beautiful the sea can be. And the endless expanse of deep blue is just as beautiful, if not more so, at night thany by day. . . I'm here in the dining salon, sitting near the bar and staring out the large viewing windows. Twilight is coming, and the flying fish are gliding away from the ship, as if racing the fading daylight. The sun seems to lose its fiery radiance, starts to frizzle and dim, splashing hues of glod, red, and purple across the western saky as it touches the water at the far horizon. But the fiery display of colors is just the appetizer... When the oceans swallow and put out the sun's light, the moon and stars come center stage. It's nice to look up at the clear night sky with your sight unhindered by the glare of city lights. And it's just indescribable when you look up at the huge dark dome above you, filled with countless glittering gems and a smiling crescent moon... Or how the cold, silvery light of the moon and stars shines in the playful waters below... But amidst all its beauty and romance, there's a certain sadness to the sea. I don't know why, but I feel it everytime I look out into its depths. Or is it just me? Could it just be God's way of telling us that we could never appreciate the beauty and hidden joys in life without first recognizing the sadness that inevitably goes with it? If you come to think of it, you'd never be happy, and appreciate it, unless you've known how it feels to taste loneliness and sadness. Like all of nature's mysteries and life's ironies, it's something i can't explain or even just put a finger on. Anyway, enough of my philosophising. 
For the meantime, I'm trying to relax. . . taking in the view. . . I've had enough of thinking about beauty and (my) madness - and sadness. I left all those in UP. And even if I know it's crazy, I know it's impossible, I'm still longing to have them back. . . 5:33 pm, April 2, 2006
Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:34 PM |
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| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 |
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where reason ends
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I saw you this morning.
Back at the mess hall, you were conversing with a friend over breakfast. Though at first glance I barely recognized you, as my eyes were still drooping and I was still so sleepy, I just couldn't miss those eyes.
The morning air was crisp and I was sniffing all the way to the mess hall, still tired from sleeping late last night. But seeing you there smiling, those oriental eyes crinkling in laughter... damn... I don't know... I can't describe the feeling... sheer exhilaration?... pure bliss?... words really couldn't say it...
Looking over the top of my GA mug, stealing glances in between sips of hot chocolate, I just couldn't take my eyes off you. I could have stayed there watching you the whole day . I hope you didn't notice, especially when I would avert my eyes each time they met yours.
Funny how I only started to notice you these past few weeks. We'd bump into each other at the lobby every now and then; I'd see you at the TV area and meet you along the Freshie Walk, and always, I would be drawn to those eyes... I don't really know what's so special about them. It's just that I find them so... interesting.
You would almost always be alone whenever I'd see you. You seem to be a loner as I rarely see you with friends and only once or twice have I seen you smile. There's something about you... the thick straight hair... those thin lips... the brooding looks, with those sad but penetrating eyes... I can't put on a finger on just exactly what makes you so intriguing.
You're everywhere and you don't know what it does to me. I'm falling apart and I'm finding it hard to recognize the bits and pieces that used to be "me".
Whatever happened to my emotional detachment and cool composure? If ever there was a virus that could lodge itself into my system and I could never seem to be able to flush out, it would be you. Whenever I lay down in bed, the image of your face floats in the darkness. You're always there.
Argh... what is wrong with me? I can't even believe I'm actually putting this in writing, in the internet of all places! Have my wits finally deserted me? I don't - can't - seem to be able to understand... that seems to be happening to me often these past few days.
Damn it.
It can't be. I think I've fallen. Hard.
Oh great, perfect timing... just when Valentine's is just around the corner...
And all because of a pair of eyes...
God help me.
February 1o, 2006 Labels: -bleep- |
| posted by remrick @ 12:00 PM |
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sentiMENTAL crap
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Time seems to slow down, and finally - stops.
The world fades into vagueness and ceases to exist...
My mind flits from one thought to another, each thought floating in nothingness. Slowly, I begin to drift into incomprehension and unconsciousness.
I am on the brink but I just couldn't seem to push myself any further... something pulls on me...
A familiar sound pierces through the haze and confusion inside my head - the sound of my cellphone ringing.
Back to reality, I find myself in bed late one Monday afternoon. I grope for my cellphone and open the text message.It wasn't the usual quote or text joke that I was expecting. It was an earnestly written message, an 'original composition' from a close friend back in high school.
What was it about? She misses high school life: the jokes and idle conversations, gimmicks and outings, the grueling academic load, especially in Math and Science (it was hard, yeah, but at least we went through those together), and the food (yes, food is a glue and eating is favorite bonding activity), and the company of barkadas and friends.
I was about to reply, tell her the feeling was mutual and try to cheer her up. But I doubt if the message would have been of any help or if it would have come through with sincerity because I needed to be consoled as much as she.
The simple text message made me think.. and this is the product of my thoughts. This is my reply.
"Life changes; memories don't," they say.
Things are bound to change, and when they do, we face the changes and try to move on with our lives... but it seems that we can never forget. Or at least, just not yet.
The memories resurface and haunt us. Sometimes, it hurts to relive what was, knowing that those things would never happen again. It's hard to let go of persons you literally grew up with and became a part of your life for four years. It's hard to abandon a life you've come to love, a life that nurtured you.
But hey, nothing's easy. Take it as it is; we have no choice. I know it's crap, but even if we refuse to move on, the circumstances have changed and things can never be brought back to the way they were.
Sometimes, it hurts us to see ourselves abandon our shared past and take diverging paths into the future. Yet there's nothing we can really do but have faith and be secure in the belief that God, in His infinite wisdom, has His reasons for having let us share each other's lives, even just for a fleeting moment, someplace in time... along the continuum of life.
Is there any hope for me?
Someday, this hodgepodge of messy and sometimes contradicting thoughts are going to get the better of me. If they don't drive me nuts...
January 17, 2006 Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 11:55 AM |
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| Tuesday, April 11, 2006 |
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Unpublished
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"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life." - J. E. Buckrose
Aside from the beautiful quote above (I bow down to J.E. Buckrose, whoever he/she is), this is just a collection of some nonsense stuff (come to think of it, have I ever written anything sensible?) I hadn't deemed worth publishing in my weblogs. But reading them again, makes me smile - at my stupidity, sentimentality, craziness or at just bein' plain ol' me, whatever... So here they are. I tell you I should be hanged, beheaded, burned at the stake, etc. for writing such things, but hopefully there's something to be gleaned (not only about myself) from between the lines of my crazy posts... rant and rage
I don't know what went wrong. It was a beautiful night. The garden had undergone a total transfromation. Funny how good lighting and arrangement could make the place so beautiful and romantic. It was dinner under the stars and boughs of trees laden with orb lanterns made from capiz shells. People were made-up and well-dressed, and the copmpany was super. But halfway through the formal dinner, I had lost my appetite and the great food (wouldn't have expected it of Gloria's) had lost its appeal. The garden was quite a sight, the night sky enchanting, but... I was bored... something was wrong and I knew I wasn't enjoying myself. Was it because I sudenly realized I had failed in my acads as I watched the university and college scholars go up on stage? Was it beacuse I had this feeling of regret for having passed up so many opportunities to become more active in the dorm and our corridor? Or was it because I was so frustrated beacuse I didn't see the person I was aching to see that night? Damn it, I want to rant and rage the whole night about my miserable existence. Failure and regret taste so bland and gross. Disappointment and longing had all but ruined the beautiful ambience. The night was fascinating and fun, but it was torture deep inside. Now, here I am in my room, with no one but myself, pen and paper. It just eats me up to see myself wallowing in disappointment and self-pity... how pathetic... I want to shut myself off and bury my head in my pillows. I want to escape into the world of dreams. Sometimes, this world could get so harsh and cruel you'd have no choice but to want to escape. At least, in my dreams, I can still find some solace. Now, they're all I have - dreams... While the rest of the real world rants and rages this horrible night away... 1:58 am, March 12, 2006
Master Showman
Ten more hours from now and I'lle be having my final exmas in Math 100. Add another 2 hours and 15 minutes, and I'll be having my final exam in English 1. After downing a bootle of Gatorade, a mug each of coffee and Extra Joss, it's a wonder jow I still manage to feel sleepy... My eyelids are heavy and my thoughts are ever so slow... Maybe beacuse I only slept for three hours this afternoon and had no sleep at all last Saturday night. This can't be happening; I haven't finished reviewing for Math yet. And I haven't even started reviewing for English. Sheesh... Well, walang tulugan ito....
1:29 am. March 27, 2006
Numbers
Never in my life have I felt so helplessly afraid. Ugh, it's even worse than Math17. At least back then, I was relatively confident that I'd pass the stupid subject even if I flunked the finals. But this time, it's a different story. If I don't get 35.21% of the items in the final exam correctly (that's about 28 points out of 80), I'm going to fail Math100... and lose a whole lot more than the money I paid for that subject... my scholarship, my good academics standing, my parents' trust, and my chances of ever graduating with honors... Even on the way to the Math Building, I was already freaking Ivan out with my panicking. Yes I prepared for the exams the night before, studying until about 3 am, but the fact is, it wasn't enough as I wasn't able to study all the topics covered during the term. So when I received the test paper, I was stumped. The actual exam was totally different from the lone sample exam I was able to get my hands on, almost twice as long, and having a coverage that was way more expansive. I was sweating myself silly, and it wasn't just beacuse of the horrendous heat. I had forgotten some of the steps and even whole processes on what to do with certain problems. I answered just about half of the friggin' 80-item exam, and I'm not even sure of those answers. Some of the solutions were so complex that one single mistake mistake could cost you the points at stake in one item. And my profisn't any help either, not being the type who's generous with partial points. I can't understand why I fell so bad. There's so much anxiety, fear and even guilt(?)... It could be because I knowo I hadn't pepared as best as I could for the exams; the circumstances not permitting it beacuse of my involevement in other things (4th Math long exam last wednesday, Soc sSci2 final exam last thursday, and the GA cup and Yearender Stuff on Saturday..). When I handed my papers and bluebook to our instructor, there was no usual feeling of relief or sense of accomplishment after finishing an exam. When I stepped outside the room, it was 1:50 pm. Shit, I had another final exam in English 1 at Palma Hall! Still reeling from the Math exam, I dashed off to the next one. When I finally arrived at PH 124(thank heavens it was just the first floor!), what I saw made me want to howl... It was past 2:00 pm and the exam still had not begun yet. My classmates were all oh-so-relaxed, while I, on the other hand, had almost ran about half a kilometer (or at the very least a few hundred meters), looking like I had just stepped out of a sauna bath, worrying myself to the limits of my sanity, and along the exam had not yet begun!? And my classmates were all sitting pretty! Grrr... A few minutes later, after finding a seat, Ma'am Aguilar arrived. She hurriedly pointed out about 5 persons, and said "Exemptions!" She explained that the five needn't take the exam anymore. I wasn't among the five. Not having recovered from my previous exam yet, my heart sank, and deep inside I was saying to a 1.0 in English. Fortunately, my saetmate Franco (God bless his soul), asked me how long the exam was going to take. Clueless myself, I raised my hand to ask Ma'am Aguilar. When she saw me, she looked surprised and said in her lilting twang: "Oh, why are you there? You're not supposed to take the exam. You don't have to take the finals anymore..." Again, I felt like I wanted to howl like some mad beast gone loose... But again, even my (unexpected) exemption in English couldn't lift my spirits... Math was just so depressing... I'd rather take 5 final exams in English or even flunk English 1 than fail in Math 100. Aside from being one of my majors and being a 4-unit subject, failing in means I'll be delayed beacuse it's a prequesite for my higher majors. ENglish is just a GE subject; I'm not supposed to retake it in case I fail. But in the end, I have no one to blame but myself. It was all my fault... a case of mistaken priorities... lack of focus... The exam was far from being a piece of cake, but it would have been a bit easier if I had thoroughly prepared for it.... I have so little faith... In the end, no matter how things turn out, it'll always be for the best... Even if it means a 5.0 in malevolent Math...
More Math
Just got hold of a great mag this afternoon, and reading it made realize how long it's been since I'd had a good, pleaurable read. It also made me realize how crappy my writing has become. The writers were so good; if only I could write with as much clarity, wit and humor. Blah, all the required readings, class lectures, and academic stuff make wanna puke. It's a good thing the term's ebding and I'll have some more time for leisurely reading. But the problem is, there aren't any decent bookstores back home. And the nearest NBS outlet is nautical miles away in Cebu. SInce I havoe nothing better to do this summer, might as well hone my writing 'skills.' Maybe then I could consider shifting to Creative Writing or Journ, away from all those wretched aliens, the bane of any student and mankind in general - Math Professors There are two grim possibilties that face me in case iIMath 100... I lose my scholarship and much more... If I get a pasang-awa grade (2.5-3.0), I won't be able to shift out of the Scool of Econ. to the College of Science (Am I serious?)
Either way, I lose - big time. And all because of Math. Actually, I'd rather not consider the first possibilty, I tsand to lose everything there. But if I get a pasang-awa grade, even just a three, I still have a chance of shifting if I take MATh 53&54 abnd get a grade of 2.0 or better in both subjects. Fat chance that is, but al least I have a chance. March 28, 2006 Somewhere in time
It all started with a pair of eyes a look to them I found so intriguing and then things were never the same. I started noticing you evrything about you the way you walk or fix you hair how they frame, and your oriental eyes or that faraway look in them, when you stare straight ahed, pouting and how they crinkle everytime you smile a cacreless glance here and there rare moments of laughter they never went unnoticed I couldn't get enough of you Everyday I wait for you in the places I've come to expect you to be and everytime you're there I lose myself. You're verywhere in my thoughts, in my dreams you're always there. But you don't even know me I'm just a shadow that follows you around unnoticed, taken for granted The situation's already too complicated, as it is But I still hope, being the fool that I am, for things that would never be. All I ahve are dreams of getting lost in those eyes... of you... and alove that never was. But I still belive in those dreams that they'll be mine to fulfill somewhere in time. Meanwhile, I'll keep on dreaming these heartaches away. . . Heartaches
I like awake staring at nothing Toss and turn twist and curl aching inside longing for your face it's too much I want to cry but the tears won't come. I'm torn within it's madness this unexplainable thing they call by so many names and I'm hopelessly trapped tormented under its spell Please, Someone save me. Labels: inside the self, rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 4:08 PM |
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leavetakings
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(C'mon, rem... give it up. You were never good at this stuff; give it a rest... But, if you insist... hooo-kay. Take a deep breath...)
I can't believe things are finally coming to an end. Who would have thought it would all turn out this way?
I'm leaving this weekend... I feel so weird...
I have always loved writing; words are all I have in this confusing existence that I lead. And yet, suddenly the words won't come...
How or why? I don't know...
It's such a shock to find myself in a situation where words fail to give even just a crude approximation of the things I wanna say...
So now, allow me to just rant on and vent out these feelings I can't seem to properly express.
Oh, do you know that gloomy ol' Ground Acroplois has one of the best views of the sunset in Kalai? I find it so ironic that the fading light of day could be so warm and beautiful in such a deep, dark place like the Basement.
I guess that it's these little surprises, and just about everything else of my stay that have just been so overwhelming... To quote Jam and Al: 'Di talaga kazya ang mga nagaganap...
And please forgive me if I may no longer have the nerve to greet you if and when we meet again, guys... Just know that deep inside, I have kept each and every one of you and all that we've shared together. Things will never be the same, but the memories will always be there to remind us of who we were and who we are right now.
Blah, I hate this. It's like highschool all over again. I never expected that I would be so involved and feel so attached like this, just like when I was in highschool.
Jam was right. I wish we just had one BIG misunderstanding before the end of our term, so that we'd all be indifferent and parting wouldn't such a pain in the buh-hind.
So now, it's goodbye for all of us...
We can't really say "see you later" because we can't really tell what might happen and what lies ahead for each of us... And to wish that each would "fare well" simply ain't enough...
But "goodbye" sums it all up nicely... Originally, it meant "God be with you." So even if I can't be with you guys anymore, at least He is with you and can take better care of you than I could ever wish to do. So it's goodbye for all of us...
"God be with you."
March 29, 2006 Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 3:59 PM |
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Ripples in the pool
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Why do I feel like all my efforts have gone to waste? Why do I feel like everything I’ve done wasn’t worth it?
I ask myself, was it worth it? Was it worth the time, effort, forgone sleep, the ruin of carefully-planned schedules, and even studying for my Math and English final exams?
Everything leaves a bitter taste in the mouth…
I hate it when people utter careless words without realizing the hurt and pain that these words could cause.
I hate it when I see the (deplorable) attitude and behavior of the people who’re supposed to be my ‘second family.’
Why do I feel like I’ve been cheated in on the deal?
Are these the people I had so wanted to please?
It’s so disappointing… It’s crushing.
They say that true giving means giving even when the cup is empty… because it is only then that you give the gift of yourself.
But what more can you give after you’ve given yourself? Even if you’ve given everything, some people just can’t seem to appreciate that.
I’m not asking for appreciation. All I ask is even just a little consideration. Is that so hard to give?
Am I such a bad person to feel this way? Maybe. If I am, then I’m sorry.
Anyway, I hope everybody had fun. I really do.
So it just had to end this way.
At least I could say that heaven knows I’ve given it my all.
They can’t ask anything more from me.
12:06 am, March 26, 2006
Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:56 PM |
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Questions
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It’s a weird, crazy question, but I’ll ask it anyway…
Why do all the senti stuff in my life recently, always seem to happen in the mess hall?
Of all places?! And Gloria’s food?!
First, it was there (over breakfast and hot chocolate) when I realized just how deeply I had fallen for ‘someone’ one early Tuesday morning. And it’s also there that I often get to see that certain ‘someone.’
And now, this…
I was finishing my breakfast (adobo rolls, as usual…), minding my own business when I received this text message from a friend back in high school. The poor guy said something about “people having their own share of pain” and stuff… It was a short message, and at the end he asked “but why do I have all the pain?”
I was like… “huh!?” (Pentium I, processing…)
I was surprised because this guy and I weren’t really very close back in high school. Oh, we were a bit close, but he had his own barkada, the “in” group of boys who called themselves the Malditoz. So, him opening up to me about his problems was totally unexpected. The other reason is that it’s been quite some time since he last texted me, so to text me now early in the morning, something must have been really troubling him.
Why do I have all the pain?
Whew, that’s heavy… to claim to have all the world’s pain is… I just can’t imagine how it must feel…
I replied, asking him about it. I had a strong feeling it had something to do with love matters… He was kinda the hopeless romantic type… But for heaven’s sake, of all people, why ask me about those stuff? Sheesh, for crying out loud, I can’t even fix my own mess… (And speaking of my own mess…)
I put down the phone and downed the last of my hot choco up to the last dreadful dregs… And just when I looked, ‘someone’ had just entered the mess hall…
Shit.
Was it some kind of cruel joke?
(Now, I wish I had saved the message.)
“Why do I have all the pain?” indeed.
7:29 am, March 25, 2006
Labels: ragings, rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:56 PM |
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basement sunset
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I walk the halls
of a home
I’m about to leave
the footsteps are ringing
but hollow
the winds are heavy
there’s a sadness in the caress
of every whisp of air
faces flash
inside my head
memories come rushing
an uncontrollable torrent
a well of emotions
ripples in calm water
I can’t see beyond
the glare of the fading sun
hues of yellow, red and purple
and though the end of our day
may be difficult
I see enough to know
that with the coming of another dawn
a bright future lies in store
for each and every one of us
may God light our way
into our new tomorrows.
March 25, 2006 Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:55 PM |
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Passing by
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Tick, tock, tick, tock...
The monotonous sound of the huge toy clock could barely be heard amidst the din inside the arcade, somewhere in the Araneta Center. I was with two of my closest friends in high school, showing around former schoolmates who had just come from a science fair in Ilocos. The three of of us stayed in a corner, talking and updating each other about our lives while the 'kids' went to play.
Through the conversation, I couldn't help but note how ironic the situation was. About the same time last year, I was having the time of my life here in Manila with these two guys and other friends - participating in science fairs, going out, and just goofing around. Just over a month later, high school life was over and we had to part ways.Now, here we were. We're going to different schools, leading different lives. The way we look, dress and talk has changed.
And sometimes, even though how I regard them hasn't changed at all, I can't help but note the changes in the personalities of the two people I was talking to. While some aspects have remained the same, overall they have changed, and maybe so have I too. Time has passed us by.
I really didn't notice then that our days in high school were already numbered. We were living it up and before we knew it, graduation was just around the corner. At first, it was a bit hard to accept the fact that our lives were going to change dramatically as we face college life. Friends we knew, routines we had gotten used to, memories made and memories that could no longer be made together - those were just among the many things we had to leave behind.
Now, it seems like it's happening all over again. My first year in the university is about to end, with less than two months to go. Our days as Basement Boys in the freshmen dorm are already numbered. Again, I'll be leaving so much behind.I don't want to make the same mistake again. I guess I'll just have to do the things I have to do before all that I have right now- the people, the experiences, the moments - are taken away from me.
In the end, everything passes by. We are all passersby in the complex tangles of life and destiny.Make the most out of every moment because these become the memories that will be ours to cherish for the rest of our lives. Learn from experience and let it enrich us as persons.
I'm really not in a position to talk like this. So I'll stop the talking - or the writing for that matter - and start preparing. After all, since I'm just passing by, I'll start creating something I can leave behind to mark my passage.
posted by remrick @ 11:07 PM
Sunday, February 05, 2006Labels: inside the self, rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:53 PM |
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KalaYaKalaYakal...
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Blah, dorm stuff...
It's slop, but we lap it up all the same.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing dorm life to swine fare here. Heck, though we may grumble and complain all we want, the fact is, most of us love dorm life so much we're willing to do almost anything for darn dorm life's sake.
And of course, there's the dreaded recommendation period - the day of reckoning for us dormers. It's the time when you go paranoid over the tiniest violations you may have committed, its effects on your evaluation and over-all grade, and whether you'll be going to the dorm with the spanking clean showers and toilets, or the one with the brown stalactites hanging from the ceiling (yes, Kuya Aict said "stalactites"), or the one with no doors for the toilet and shower stalls.
And the recommendees are...(drumroll, please...)
 ... the fortunate souls whom the RAs have chosen to bestow upon with another chance at dorm life... Of course, I can't enumerate all of them... I'm just so gald I'm one of them, whew! But at the same time... Uh, I dunno... I guess I feel a bit sad for those who didn't get the much sought-after recommendation... But then, even in my case, even if I am recommended (to Yakal), I'm still not assured of a slot. Of the 35 recommendees, only 25 will be accepted into the dorm... So the probably of me getting into the dorm of my dreams is just about 5/7.
And there's also this one teensy-weensy problem... The official list hasn't been posted yet and I've been dying to see it... I wanna know... I need to find out... who's getting recommended, and who's going where, and which dorm??? Let's just say I have my own personal motives (blink.blink.)...
I really need to know for my peace of mind's sake. Geesh, you just don't know...
You just don't know...
March 23, 2006 Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:50 PM |
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must do's
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I am so unstable these days. And the symptoms of my psycho-emotional volatility are starting to show in my writing.
Drat, I need to improve my wrting style. I've been stagnating for quite some time, writing in the same old boring way... I need to improve and reinvent myself... But how the heck am I going to do that when all the materials i can get my hand son are either a.) class lectures and handouts or b.) newspaper fare...
crap. I definitely need to get a new good ol' book or at least read blogs more often...
Anyway, ranting on...
Since my parents have sentenced me to solitary confinement for the summer in sweltering Surigao, I've decided to try figure out the things I could do to keep myself from death by sheer, unadulterated boredom.
Ooooh, I so hate it when I wake up late in the morning... it'so quite and I'm all alone inside the house... and it's so friggin hot! (duh, it's summer...) And the fan doesn't seem to be doing any good, blowing out hot air to begin with.
Anyway, here's my to-do-list for the summer...
wait a sec...
I can't seem to think of any...
(extracting files......)
Okay, here it goes...
1. Get a job.
LOL! Me? The moss-covered sloth from the jungles of the Amazon, getting a job? Hahaha... I'm pulling your leg, right?
But seriously, I'd rather slave away the hours doing something 'productive' than overdosing on boredom.
The question is, what job? I'm a bit picky about that... I could get a stint at a fast food chain, but I'd probably end up eating the food I' supposed to be serving. Tutorials, maybe? But that means I'll have to endure those attention-problematic brats... But please, no technical/vocational/ livelihood stuff!
Blah, whatever. Any job as long as it' not too taxing...
2. Take summer classes.
Since I can't take summer classes here in UP, might as well learn something at Surigao. I could take art classes (always wanted to do that) or photography lessons (as if I had a decent cam). Even if it's awfully hot during the summer, scenic Surigao is still so beautiful there won't be any lack of sources of inspiration for those stuff. Yeah, I think it'll be fun. I just might do those.
3. Troop to the internet cafes.
Immerse myself in the internet - why not? I learn so much from the net and surfing's fun. Besides, it's a great way to escape the heat. At last, I'll be having time to make those long-overdue Friendster testimonials, organize my online photo album, or get a new blog. I can also get in touch with people and friends. And I get to update myself on the latest info on my fields of interest. Yipee, that's one option of escape I am definitely going to consider.
4. Lastly, bum around.
It's so cliche to become a beach bum. Besides, I'd rather lessen the chances of developing basal skin cell melanoma from all that radiation, if I were you. And I hate the crowds! Well, if we're talking about the beaches on the islands all over the coast, that's a different story. But alas, the costs are too stepp.
So I have no choice but to bum around at home. I hope signal quality improves so I can watch more channels on TV. Or I could get back all the sleep I lost while in Diliman.
Maybe I should get a life. But it's so not me to go out on gimmicks with friends, partying or just hanging around... yep, ever the anti-social...
Oh, I'm sure I'll find something to do to while the hours, the days the weeks and the months away... I could transmogrify myself into a bookworm and eat my way into the pages of every book I can get my hands on... It's not so bad get lost in a book. Plus, it improves my writing. I swear, aside from instanves when I feel so strongly about something, the only time I write decently is when I've finished reading or am in the act of reading a good book. Well, that's if I'll have something to write about.
I've gotta make myself useful this summer... Gotta keep myself busy so that the blues won't creep into my system.
Argh, I' sure I'm gonna miss dorm life, the basement, walks around the green environs of the UPD Campus, and all the wonderful people I've met. I'm not sure I can stand the mental and emotional torture if I don't keep myself busy.
And there's also this person that I've got to keep out of my system... it kills me to even think that I may not be able to see that someone again... Damn...
I've lost myself again... end of post.
March 20, 2006Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:49 PM |
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the dreadful wait
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the end is near.
i know that line is soooo passe already, but i just couldn't think of anything better to say. argh, even my writing's gone all awry...
but anyway, i'm not gonna write about what jam calls the "nest of faggots" thing... i think too much has already been said about that issue and i don't wanna meddle in things that do not involve me; the whole truth behind which, i have yet to know...
well, moving on... i have my own issues to attend to. i know it's so stupid, but there are things that worry me more than my upcoming final exams (and hell week)...
first is the impending end of the semester. you might be thinking i'm gonna get all mushy and stuff... oh, please... spare me... it's not about that, although i'm surely gonna miss my basement family... rather, it's about the end of a whole way of living... it's been over 9 months, and you could say that i've gotten to love the life i'm leading right now. sure, i miss home and my parents, but it isn't easy to let go of things and start all over again from scratch. what's more is that it's highly uncertain whether or not i'll still be able to see the people (especially the person?) i want to see... and even if i do see them again, it'll all be so different because the circumstances will have changed a great deal by then... sigh...
and aside from all that, there's the issue of my summer vacation... since my parents aren't gonna let me take summer classes (that means goodbye to my hopes of getting into dorms, if ever i don't get recommended), i'll be forced to go home and spend the rest of the summer in sweltering surigao... i'm gonna lock myself inside the house and bore myself to death... sheeesh, heaven forbid... i know; i should keep my parents company since all my older siblings aren't going home... it's just that... how do i say this?... there are more productive things that i could do here in UP during the summer term... but no matter how much i insist, it's no use because my parents are never gonna grant my request... that's almost certain...
so, here i am... moping and waiting in dreadful anticipation of the things to come... the sem's ending... it would be nice if we could part ways properly, but there are some goodbyes that can never be said...
blah, it's no use... everything happens for a reason and i'll just have to have faith and trust that God has some surprises in store for me... so, it all goes back to hoping... that seems to be all that i'm able to do lately... ;(
March 18, 2006Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:44 PM |
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I am a murderer
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ever had that feeling when you wanna scream your heart out, but just couldn't do it? when you feel like you're gonna burst, but you know you've gotta keep it all in?
awful, isn't it? i'm feeling it right now. i'm 'awful' personified.
argh, here i am again... blaming myself and regretting lost opportunities...
i just delivered the worst speech of my life this morning in my comm3 class... grrr... i wanna drown myself in the lagoon everytime i remember...
to tell the truth, i didn't get such a bad grade overall, but the delivery part was terrible... a measly 1.75.
pitiful.
imagine that. i forgot a few of the points of my speech and i was nervous all throughout because of that... i know i could have done way better, but no, i had to be complacent. the time i devoted to my speech just wasn't enough.
actually, i slept at 4:00 this morning. i was memorizing the points in my speech plan and rehearsing my speech. okay, maybe i got distracted with some issues and got a bit too involved in editing our film a few times, but hey, at least i stayed up mainly for the purpose of preparing for my speech.
i feel so bad. i mourn the loss of a better grade in comm3... i grieve the passing of the helpless persuasive speech i had mercilessly murdered with my delivery...
but anyway, all i can say right now is a big... WHATEVER.
no use crying over the mangled remains of my comm3 speech... past is past; i won't dwell in its mistakes and regrets...
sorry if i sound so cavalier; maybe i'm just making sorry excuses or i'm just so relieved it's all over...
comm3, i'm through with you. now, it's time to move on to the rest of my subjects.
pray for the eternal repose of my 1.0-rated speech plan, whose promising life was brutally cut short just this morning...
murder weapon: gruesome speech delivery...
grieve. mourn. light a candle and offer flowers, for heaven's sake.
but move on.
8:36 am, March 16, 2006Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:41 PM |
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It's time
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Classes are suspended.
The palace says there are threats to national security, blah, blah, blah... so they declared that there'd be no classes in all levels today.
I am hopelessly bored. I know; I should have done something productive like studying for my Math100 exam this Wednesday, among other things.
But one can hardly study when you know there's a beautiful, quiet day waiting outside (never mind the politicial tension, threats to security, and all the uncertainty in the air) and that you've got all day to take a break from all the academic stuff you usually have to put up with. But anyway, I'm not here to bore you with how I lazed off this boring Monday away. I'm here to write about, what else, but the recent developments in our country today?
I know I'm just a tiny voice crying out amidst the barrage of noise that's already being directed at our nation's affairs. But sometimes, we need to pitch in our little voices to make our collective cry be heard. We are living in dark times.
Just when we were celebrating the 20th anniversary of the event that toppled a dictatorship, a new tyrrant has emerged. A tiny tyrrant at that, but a tyrrant nonetheless.
Procalamation 1017 is a veiled assault on our freedom and democracy. It's martail law all over gain, but this time it's got a different name.
What's in a name? Everything.
You see, there are built-in safeguards in our present constitution against martial rule. But what if the president does not invoke martial rule but instead imposes a decree which is essentially the same, but is defined and called by the government as otherwise? The safeguards then become useless.
The President hasn't declared martial law; she has instead circumvented the safegurads against it by declaring something similar to it under a different name: Proclamation 1017. As of now, there are not-so-subtle threats to press freedom. The government is harrassing the media for airing protest, dissent, criticisms or any material that is anti-GMA. The President has imposed a blanket prohibition against rallies, which is unconstitutional and is a blatant violation of our rights and freedom. The authorities have arrested leaders of groups who are critical of the Arroyo administration with the flimsiest of bases.
What's next? Storm UP and arrest the students? You see, in a state of national emergency, the state has the right to protect itself and its institutions. But a state of emergency is not to be used as a means to defend a President who wants to stay in power and is exhausting all means to do so. What's happening is that everything considered as critical of the President and the administration is considered as a threat to national security. This should not be the case. The President is not the State.
I have never liked activists. I see no meaning in making noise and shouting all day for change and reform. I believe that if people really are serious in pursuing reform, they should start with themselves and help in their own little ways. Anyone who cries out for change and reform without changing himself is a worthless hypocrite. But now I realize the value of collective action. I now know the importance of letting the people's voices be heard in the parliament of the streets and other unconventional venues. I now realize that protest, dissent, and criticism are part and parcel of our democracy. Take these away, and we lose our democracy and freedom.
For once I agree with the activists. It's time to take a stand. If only my dorm's Parents' Instruction Sheet allowed me, I would have joined the mobilizations. I just can't stay cooped up here in the dormitory while events that are of national importance are unfolding outside. I hope people recognize the gravity of the situation; of how our liberties are being suppressed and denied us. Shall we wait until things worsen and we completely lose our freedom?
There comes a time when we need to put aside indecision and personal considerations to further a cause much greater than ourselves. In this case, the fight is for the defense of freedom, of the liberties and rights born of the blood of Filipino martyrs and heroes.
It's time. Time to get down from my ivory tower and get involved. Time to go out and join the fray. Time to add my voice to those crying for change and the defense of democracy. Time to do my little part, even if it's just letting my voice of protest and dissent be heard.
To quote Conrado de Quiros:
Protest. Defy. Fight back.
February 27, 2006
where reason ends
I saw you this morning.
Back at the mess hall, you were conversing with a friend over breakfast. Though at first glance I barely recognized you, as my eyes were still drooping and I was still so sleepy, I just couldn't miss those eyes.
The morning air was crisp and I was sniffing all the way to the mess hall, still tired from sleeping late last night. But seeing you there smiling, those oriental eyes crinkling in laughter... damn... I don't know... I can't describe the feeling... sheer exhilaration?... pure bliss?... words really couldn't say it...
Looking over the top of my GA mug, stealing glances in between sips of hot chocolate, I just couldn't take my eyes off you. I could have stayed there watching you the whole day . I hope you didn't notice, especially when I would avert my eyes each time they met yours.
Funny how I only started to notice you these past few weeks. We'd bump into each other at the lobby every now and then; I'd see you at the TV area and meet you along the Freshie Walk, and always, I would be drawn to those eyes... I don't really know what's so special about them. It's just that I find them so... interesting.
You would almost always be alone whenever I'd see you. You seem to be a loner as I rarely see you with friends and only once or twice have I seen you smile. There's something about you... the thick straight hair... those thin lips... the brooding looks, with those sad but penetrating eyes... I can't put on a finger on just exactly what makes you so intriguing.
You're everywhere and you don't know what it does to me. I'm falling apart and I'm finding it hard to recognize the bits and pieces that used to be "me".
Whatever happened to my emotional detachment and cool composure? If ever there was a virus that could lodge itself into my system and I could never seem to be able to flush out, it would be you. Whenever I lay down in bed, the image of your face floats in the darkness. You're always there.
Argh... what is wrong with me? I can't even believe I'm actually putting this in writing, in the internet of all places! Have my wits finally deserted me? I don't - can't - seem to be able to understand... that seems to be happening to me often these past few days.
Damn it.
It can't be. I think I've fallen. Hard.
Oh great, perfect timing... just when Valentine's is just around the corner...
And all because of a pair of eyes...
God help
me.
February 1o, 2006
The Inevitable
To live and to exist may seem like two sides of the same coin, but in fact, they are polar opposites – the former means to be dynamic and adaptable, the latter means to remain static and unchanging. The very reason why we live and not merely exist is because life is perpetually changing.
Why so?
Because reality is flux; it never remains the same in a particular state of being nor does it have a stiff and inflexible structure. Reality can be likened to a rich tapestry woven and re-woven according to the needs of the times. And time itself does not stay still. It always moves forward.
Life, therefore, can be said to be a progression of change. Thus, to live means to acknowledge and adapt to the changes that Fate throws our way.
This brings us to the concept of the great inevitable – change.
Much has been said and written about the concept of change. Some people welcome and embrace change, equating it with growth and progress. Others shun and deny it, refusing to accept new and changing realities. Since, as I have mentioned before, life is a progression of change, our own lives and personal experiences serve as reservoirs from which we draw on to create our own notions of change.
For some, change is painful. People lose loved ones; fortunes are reversed; and we are sometimes alienated when circumstances, places and people themselves – people we know, or at least thought we knew – change.
There are also those for whom change is pleasant and ought to be welcomed. When standards of living improve, everyone cheers. For some, change is renewal: a fresh start or a new beginning. For others, it breaks the monotony and provides variety and color to the lives we lead.
When I was young, I thought change was something you had to do. It was some sort of requirement for everyone. Our parents had always urged each one of us siblings to improve and strive to do better. I believed then that people should change to become better. If only every one would change for the better, then the whole world would become a better place. People who didn’t do well in the things they were supposed to do deserved all the criticism they got. Children who were not well behaved needed all the discipline and punishment that their parents gave them. My standards were pretty high.
But then, something happened that changed my changed views completely – I grew up.
Time and Experience, those two great pragmatists and relativists, taught me new things. My idealism was diminished somewhat.
I learned why sometimes, change is painful. It can be painful when chapters of your life shift abruptly… when things you’ve grown to like and be accustomed to have to end… when you have to part ways with people that matter to you…
I learned that I couldn’t impose my will on other people… that could I not impose changes on them… that in the end, I could not change them…
It often happens; we want to make people into what we want them to be; we want to change them – without knowing that we only have to look at ourselves.
Before, I wanted to make a difference… to change people… to change society and the existing unjust realities that needed to be changed… but I realized I had to change myself first.
Now, I have a different view of change. It’s something that must be met with caution but nevertheless, be accepted. Times and circumstances change. Why deny the inevitable? Doing so, you would only be deluding yourself. There’s no point in that. Instead, accept things as they come; adapt and learn.
The New Year brings many changes. As 2006 unfolds, we will be fraught with new problems to solve, new things to discover and learn, new faces to meet and get to know, and new vistas to explore. But in the meantime, as the world weaves and re-weaves itself around me, I’ll continue doing the inevitable – changing.
February 02, 2006
sentiMENTAL crap
Time seems to slow down, and finally - stops.
The world fades into vagueness and ceases to exist...
My mind flits from one thought to another, each thought floating in nothingness. Slowly, I begin to drift into incomprehension and unconsciousness.
I am on the brink but I just couldn't seem to push myself any further... something pulls on me...
A familiar sound pierces through the haze and confusion inside my head - the sound of my cellphone ringing.
Back to reality, I find myself in bed late one Monday afternoon. I grope for my cellphone and open the text message.
It wasn't the usual quote or text joke that I was expecting. It was an earnestly written message, an 'original composition' from a close friend back in high school.
What was it about? She misses high school life: the jokes and idle conversations, gimmicks and outings, the grueling academic load, especially in Math and Science (it was hard, yeah, but at least we went through those together), and the food (yes, food is a glue and eating is favorite bonding activity), and the company of barkadas and friends.
I was about to reply, tell her the feeling was mutual and try to cheer her up. But I doubt if the message would have been of any help or if it would have come through with sincerity because I needed to be consoled as much as she.
The simple tex message made me think... and this is the product of my thoughts. This is my reply.
"Life changes; memories don't," they say.
Things are bound to change, and when they do, we face the changes and try to move on with our lives... but it seems that we can never forget. Or at least, just not yet.
The memories resurface and haunt us. Sometimes, it hurts to relive what was, knowing that those things would never happen again. It's hard to let go of persons you literally grew up with and became a part of your life for four years. It's hard to abandon a life you've come to love, a life that nurtured you.
But hey, nothing's easy. Take it as it is; we have no choice. I know it's crap, but even if we refuse to move on, the circumstances have changed and things can never be brought back to the way they were.
Sometimes, it hurts us to see ourselves abandon our shared past and take diverging paths into the future. Yet there's nothing we can really do but have faith and be secure in the belief that God, in His infinite wisdom, has His reasons for having let us share each other's lives, even just for a fleeting moment, someplace in time... along the continuum of life.
Is there any hope for me?
Someday, this hodgepodge of messy and sometimes contradicting thoughts are going to get the better of me. If they don't drive me nuts...
January 17, 2006 Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:39 PM |
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christmas
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mornings are now unmistakably cool and misty (if not mistier than before, although i seriously doubt if it was just fog or it was actually smog that we would see during dawn before) here in diliman. it's already december and the first candle of the advent wreath had just been lit last sunday. now everyone's excited for christmas.
alright, you're probably branding me as some sort of psycho right now with a multiple personality disorder or something after i wrote that last (furious) blog entry and yet i'm here again, now talking about that season of joy and cheer... yes, christmas.
well, over the years christmas has acquired new meanings for me. before, it was all about excitement... excitement at the house's colorful decorations and seeing the christmas tree rise up, laden with lights, shiny balls, glitters and other whachamacallits. then on christmas eve, gifts would pile up at the base of the tree, while the sound of carols permeated through the cool air. eyes would light up at the prospect of getting new clothes, puto bumbong after the misa de gallo, and the noche buena feast. let's face it; we were more excited with the celebration itself rather than the birth of Jesus.
that was a child's memory of christmas. and it's now that i realize just how childish and immature it really was. now, there's always that feeling of sadness that i associate with christmas. while people revel in the cool weather in their new clothes, i can't help but wonder how many children out there don't even have decent clothes or homes to begin with? how many people sleep off christmas eve in hunger because they can't even eat three square meals a day, let alone prepare the traditional noche buena? how many families can't celebrate the season together because economic circumstances have forced a loved one to work abroad, away from home?
i could go on you know. perhaps you'd just probably say na nagdadrama o nagongonsensya ako. suit yourself. i really don't wanna sound preachy and all, but then why would i be ashamed to get the message (His message) through? before you lavish (and get lavished by) your loved ones with gifts, think on it... what would the season's Birthday Celebrant want you to do? Didn't He tell us to love each other?
well, there's so much love during christmas... it's just that we confine it to our families and friends. now how about spreading that love around so that everybody could feel the spirit of the season? think about it. He waits.
(just as excitedly as we wait for His birthday.)
December 01, 2005Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 3:37 PM |
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bad mood
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it sucks. big time.
it sucks when people tell you what to do; when they dictate the manner by which you should act; or when they make (usually snide) side comments on the way you should live your life. and its worse when you have to put up with all these people who want to dominate you and think that they can stick their noses in every damned detailed aspect of your tortured existence in this cruelly imperfect world. aaargh. who do they think they are, anyway?
well, i've got news to all those people out there. i'm fed up. i'm sick and tired of all you nagging, domineering and vile characters who think you can tell me what to do. i'm through with putting up with you and conforming to yours and other people's standards. i no longer care about what you think and i will no longer heed your annoying remarks (even if they are made in jest)... even if it means avoiding and ignoring you like the plague or glaring at you with unmasked malevolence.
no more Mr. Nice Guy.
if anybody so much as hints that i'm doing something wrong or that i should do this or that, watch out. you have definitely not seen the worst of me yet...
sigh. i don't know why i've been feeling so messed up these past few weeks. i'm in a foul mood. and my notorious temper (something all four of us siblings seem to have inherited - presumably from one of our grandparents) is raring to lash out at the slightest provocation. i haven't acted and had emotional outbursts like this for almost a year, already. all that time i've been keeping it all in. but just because i prefer silence or choose to remain quiet doesn't mean that people can boss me around. no way. maybe i just couldn't keep it inside me any longer ... putting up with everything... ah, i don't know. i'm all messed up right now.
PS: and oh, mom and dad... if you happen to read this (if by chance -and a fat chance that is- that you happen to find out about my friendster blog), rest assured that you're not among those "vile characters" i mentioned above, okay?
November 30, 2005 Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:33 PM |
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lazy afternoons
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it's one of those afternoons again
when the sun's up, warm and bright,
and the weather's just perfect.
i find myselfwalking underneath the shade
of majestic acacias.
the wind blows, caressing my face
and bringing with itthe scent of newly-mown grass.
the tree tops sway and one by one,
leaves gracefully descendto the street below...
it brings me backto a life i used to lead
when everything was slow and secure
and the future was something to be embraced
and not frantically worried about...
the wind stops...
and the air is still.
those scenes from the past
seem long-gone... time-forgotten...
but every now and then,
lazy afternoons will always remind me
and bring me back...
make me pause and reminisce,
even for just a few stolen, splendid moments.
September 15, 2005Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:26 PM |
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| Saturday, April 08, 2006 |
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and then some...
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it's frustrating to see the present rut our country is in. but i'm not here to state the obvious and repeat the things that we've all grown sick and tired of. i'm here to rant about UP. sorry christian, but i think we don't deserve our conceit. it's even more frustrating to see that UP, which supposedly plays a major part in the democratization of society and national progress, fails to breed the kind of leaders or public servants that this country desperately needs.
i thought UP was a place for critical thinkers and visionaries. I was wrong.
those people are few and far between. i admit i am one of those who fail to exercise what professor r. s. david calls our "faculty of reason" and critical thinking. I'm no visionary, just like all the others that seem to be unable to picture a future for this country. the problem with most iskolars ng bayan lies either with their attitude or their short-sighted and/or self-serving principles.
case in point, while UP is considered to be a promoter of a culture of critique and activism, the truth is, some students don't really give a damn on what's happening around them. Not only are they apathetic, but they don't even seek to know about or get an understanding of current issues and concerns. I know because i've known these people. some don't even care about their studies , settling for mediocrity, not paying any mind to the fact that the country shoulders their education, making it possible for the to become iskolars ng bayan in the first place. for now, i can say that i haven't fallen that far down yet, at least i care about my studies even if i'm not exactly doing perfectly well. but who knows, maybe someday i could become one of them too. i am part of this culture, and therefore, i am also part of the problem .
as for the so-called 'activists,' they are a dwindling kind. they shout all day for change and reform, but more often than not, they offer no concrete or detailed alternatives to the status quo. More importantly, the question to be asked is: what have they done in their own capacities as individuals, in their locality or their personal lives to effect the change and reform that they keep shouting about? do they even attend the barangay assemblies of their local communities? what right have they to push for change, when they can't even reform themselves? now, is that an act of a visionary, or even a critical thinker?
and what about the isko's i've met who went to UP only because they wanted to get rich, or worse, go abroad? are those the right principles by students of a supposedly nationalistic university?
of course, there are some who have the right attitude; those who have gone through hardships and are detrmined to make it good in UP. but sadly, their principles are either short-sighted or self-serving. they want to rise up the ranks because they feel they deserve it; they feel they have been deprived. nothing wrong about that. but is it enough...? where's the selflessness in that? where's tha sacrifice for country and for others? gone... lost... forgotten...?
when we enter the diliman campus, the oblation greets us with his nakedness and oustretched arms. But do we remember what he stands for?
maybe i'm too idealistic, but if young people like me lose their idealism, what will happen to nation's fate?
what happens is that those who are underprivileged want to become the same people who have marginalized them: the elite. they are what rizal calls the slaves of today that become the "tyrrants of tomorrow."
i know a guy who went through a lot in life. he says he wants to get rich because he feels he deserves if he strives hard enough. again, nothing wrong with that. but don't millions of other filipinos feel the same way? and then, what sets him apart from the countless others who aspire for the same dreams? his UP education, of course. and that same educationwill give him an advantage over the masses who have not been as blessed. what happens is that a UP education, instead of promoting selflessness and sacrifice for the nation's common good, gives an unfair edge that excludes the masses from opportunities to uplift themselves... instead of being a democratizing agent in society, it breeds elitism and fails to encourage the intellectually-gifted isko's to offer their talents to the country instead of pursuing self-serving ends.
UP is a graveyard of broken dreams.. those of its students and members of its community, and those of the entire nation that pins its hopes on it. as i make my way through the university, i step on the fragments of dreams past, shattered and scattered... i don't know how long before i too would fall and sink completely into the quagmire of cynicism, mediocrity, short-sightedness and pusrsuit of self-satisfaction. i want to make a difference, "to do something great" according to bulaan in the muscial "st. louis loves them filipinos." but how long before i forget those dreams and ideals upon which the state university is built? i don't know... just like the future of this country, it's uncertain...
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and then some good news... enough of the serious stuff for now... time to realx and enjoy... and relax and enjoy i did, along with other basement boys last saturday at the daza park at camp aguinaldo. it was a day of fun in the sun, games under the rain during the latter part of the day, night swimming and serenades, and colorful conversation. it was a great bonding activity for the ground acropoleans, even though swimming, especially under a thunderstorm at night, didn't exactly provide much relaxation. and so what if our lunch and dinner were a bit delayed by a few hours, forcing us to munch on bread with mayonnaise set to expire on that same day, and dole-outs from our hosts? but everything else went well and we had fun. that's what's important, anyway.
Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 4:16 PM |
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"home"
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the flame flickers
but it neverdies. it may dance and sway, flicker and teeter on the edge of being snuffed out, but it burns on... casting a circle of light and warmth that fends off the cold, all-encompassing depths of darkness. in our hearts, we all look for that flame, we yearn for it... for that welcoming circle of light and warmth, of passion and enlightenment that insulates us from the harshness and coldness of the morose world outside. No matter how far we may go, in spite of the forces that seek to put it out, we remember that flame. it guides us, shining its light for us to see, burning within us to help us forge on. i miss that familiar flame, the mem'ries made, the comfort and security it brings... But despite the distance, i can still see its light... i can still feel it burning within me, spreading warmth to my body and enlightenment to my soul. the flame flickers but it never dies. Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 4:12 PM |
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Christmas Musings
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December 2004
“Thanks be to God.”
I murmur under my breath as the mass ends. People start filing out of the chapel, and soon I’m jostling along with them, heading for the exit.
I step out into the night and a light drizzle greets me… cold droplets pelting my face and arms. Then a cool breeze blows, sending cold shivers down my spine.
I look up to the sky and see a dim, starless night… the starlight smothered by dark, hazy clouds. The moon is the only source of illumination in the nighttime sky tonight… full and bright… a glowing yellow orb just starting to make its way up the distant horizon; its edges blurred and hazy.
I remember the Advent Wreath; its first purple candle lit just a while ago. Yes, the Christmas season is definitely here.
As I make my way home, I find more evidence of the advent of Christmas, aside from the cool weather and lighting of the Advent Wreath. Scattered here and there are houses all aglow, bathed in bright, multi-colored lights. Christmas lights or ‘series lights’ as some like to call them, adorn and sometimes completely cover these houses. Arranged in different shapes and patterns, some blink rhythmically to the tune of popular Christmas songs; others just glow continuously.
These bright and colorful scenes make me remember the town plaza and city hall at night, bathed and covered with thousands of sparkling Christmas lights… a real Christmas wonderland for kids of all ages. All over the city, buildings and establishments are also lighting up the night with their own lights and decorations. And yet… beside these houses and buildings of light are houses that are dark and bleak… gloomy even. Some are well-made, while some are simple and others are made of makeshift materials.
Inside these houses are people who are literally being ‘kept in the dark’ by poverty. Poverty keeps them from celebrating Christmas the traditional way. After all, why hope for food on the table on Christmas Eve when they can’t even get a decent meal three times a day? Why decorate houses with Christmas trees, wreaths, and lights when they don’t even have a decent home to begin with? Some don’t even have a home at all.
It is ironic to note that the monetary value of Christmas lights and decorations and all the electricity they consume could have fed, clothed and provided shelter for the needy, or at least some of them. Furthermore, as businesses anticipate the surge in consumer spending during the holidays, millions of mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters won’t be able to go home this Christmas because they have to work abroad. The money they earn will be sent home for the family to spend for Christmas decorations, gifts, and the traditional Noche Buena feast.
This is our celebration of Christmas… materialistic… commercialized… superficial… shallow.
The true meaning – the essence – of Christmas has been lost. We fail to see and feel it because we are too concerned with enjoying ourselves with our family and friends. We lavish our loved ones with the best gifts money can buy while other people’s basic needs are barely met. We are dazzled by Christmas lights and towering Christmas trees, by the best-tasting keso de bolas, hams and cakes, by the fanciful clothes, gift items and parties… all those we see, hear and read being advertised on TV, radio and print media… all material and self-satisfying pursuits… all commercialized… superficial… shallow.
While the rich splurge on Christmas goodies and businesses make millions out of them, the poor don’t feel the Christmas season. They can’t celebrate Christmas the traditional way because they don’t have the money to buy gifts, decorations and to prepare food for the midnight feast. For them, it’s still the same… just an ordinary day.
These sad realities can’t help but make you wonder: where’s the CHRIST in CHRISTmas? A few weeks from now, millions of Christians all over the globe will be celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ… feasting on the Noche Buena and giving gifts to family and friends… but does it all have to end there? If we really are Christians with Christ at the center of our lives, can’t we have it in our hearts to share our Noche Buena with those that go hungry on Christmas Eve? Can’t we give gifts to those who really need them?
I snap out of my reverie as I make out the familiar neighborhood and surroundings of our house. The house is devoid of any sort of Christmas decoration, at least for the moment. It is dark and bleak… gloomy even… just like the thoughts plaguing my head. I can’t help but mutter half-sarcastically to myself…
“Merry Christmas...” Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 4:04 PM |
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| About Me |
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Name: remrick
Home: Surigao City, Philippines
About Me: Let me tell you what I'm not:
I am not predisposed to bare my guts and soul here in the internet for the whole world to see just for the sake of it. It's just that I like writing, in the free and unstructured way that blogging provides for. I simply want to express what I think and feel. Is that too much to ask? Which leads me to my next point...
I am not invulnerable, in spite of all my attempts to put on a face of cool composure, and desperately wanting I was good enough to fool myself.
In short, I am not really what I seem.
So, would you still take my ramblings seriously?
See my complete profile
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