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| Friday, March 30, 2007 |
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I can't think of a title
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Something's wrong with me. And I don't know what. Just some random things, though:
My allergic rhinitis and my headaches are starting to become a bit bothersome. I hope it doesn't get to the point when they start killing me again...
Mere Christianity is brilliant. Beautiful book. Wonderful insight. C.S. Lewis is amazing...
And oh, on the subject of Christianity, I am just so thankful. Kuya Paul gave me a study Bible before I went home. My very own study Bible. Wow. I really didn't know what to say. I've always planned and wanted to have one. Thank you so much kuya...
I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what's wrong. It's barely been a day since I arrived home, and yet, here I am. I feel so... out of sync... My thoughts have no coherence whatsoever, and... I can't even describe what I'm feeling right now. Mood swings? Actually, I think it's more of me being unable to define the mood I'm in. More of not having a mood at all... more of an emptiness(?)... like there's nothing there... if that were possible.
And the hard part is that it's hard to spend some quiet time alone here at home. And there's no church here. No Christian ate's and kuya's. It's like I'm all alone. And God knows it's so hard to keep your testimony, when you don't have a church, a fellowship, or any other Christian, to be there for you. I guess that's why God didn't call us to live the Christian life alone. *sighs*
Will I survive Holy Week? More importantly, will I be able to keep Holy Week truly holy? But, regardless of what I may be feeling, I still hope things will turn out fine... And I know that I have no reason not to.Labels: the walk |
posted by remrick @ 5:25 PM  |
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| Wednesday, March 28, 2007 |
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Sharp shadows and lengthy days
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It was around noon. I was at the dorm, hanging around at my friend's room. I looked outside the window, squinted at the strong sunshine, and felt the balmy breeze even as it sifted through the trees outside... it was strange.
The day was hot, as hot as any day could get in tropical Philippines, but nonetheless beautiful. This world, and all of Creation, even in its fallen state, still retains and reflects much of the beauty and glory of its Maker. (Think Romans 1:19-20) But I felt weird in that the realization that summer is now upon us suddenly made me nostalgic. And the memories, though some already vague and blurred by time, would resurface... of a childhood that passed in the countryside, of carefree summer vacations often spent at the beach, and of clear evening skies that bathed the nightscape in silvery moonlight and moonshadows...
Summer is here. You need only notice the bright, hot and long days; or the sharper shadows in contrast with the glaring sunlight; or the unmistakable summer breeze.
(If you don't notice any of these things, then there are only two possibilities:
1.) You had a deprived childhood growing up in this drab and monotonous metropolis where everything is in concrete or asphalt...
2.) You're not from here and haven't spent a single summer in this part of the world...)
My summers back then were so much more pleasant. For one, I don't remember them being as hot as these past few ones have been. The specter of climate change and global warming, perhaps? I believe so. And back then, summer was a real break - it was the vacation... a time to enjoy and forget about the cares of the classroom and schoolwork... a time for the family to be together, either in trips, at the beach, or just over lunch with ice-cold watermelons for dessert...
But now, I'm spending the summer taking classes here in the metro. Summer isn't so much something to be enjoyed anymore, but time to be spent productively. (Whatever that means...)
Ah, things were so much simpler back then...
The meanings of the seasons may have changed, but I believe it's still nice to look back and reminisce. What for, you might ask? Can we still bring things back to the way they were before?
Maybe not; but the memories are there so that we don't forget what we had and who we were. They allow us to carry parts of our past with us, even as we move on with whatever it is that's in store for us up ahead... and if need be, to bring us back so that we can relive, at least in our minds, those seasons that have long since gone. Even if they are just memories, they're all we have left.Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 5:47 PM |
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Grand deception
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It was supposed to be our exam in Mathematical Economics. But at the end of the afternoon, I went back home not knowing what it actually was, or what it had turned out to be.
Flashback:
We nervously await Ma'am Navarro's arrival to collect our homework and start the exam. She appears and walks towards us. My classmate comments: "Aba, nakangiti pa si ma'am ngayon ah..." I couldn't help but agree. She was smiling to herself.
She calls for the two sections to meet in SE 127. After settling everybody down, she asks:
"Did you study hard for the exams?"
Serious faces grimly nod and say yes.
She smiles again, and announces the news that would turn our world upside down:
"You are not required to take the final exam. It is optional."
We stare incredulously at her, and look at each other in disbelief.
She starts giving out cards to each one of us, with our class standing written on them. I get a 2.25; not bad, really, better than expected. And I don't have to take the finals.
Our professor starts to segregate the class into those who would be taking the finals and those who won't, and presents two options:
1.) Take the finals, and you're grade can improve or be worse off than before.
2.) Don't take the finals and do the activity I'll be assigning for you.
I chose option #2, and she explains it to us. Those who won't be taking the exam are going to answer and submit a seatwork, which won't be graded, but must be accomplished with correct answers and solutions along with our homework, for us to "learn." We are free to consult each other and open our notes, but we have to answer and solve the problems correctly.
At first she said she would only be giving a maximum of a 10% demerit to our grade if we didn't do well in the seatwork. But after some time, she returns to the room and writes down that we have to submit the seatwork and homework, with correct answers and solutions, in order for us to get a "passing grade" - whatever that means(!?).
But we were too absorbed in the task at hand. We answered all the problems, but we weren't really quite sure if they were all correct. At 4 pm, I pass my paper. I leave the School of Economics, lightheaded and distraught.
Now, here I am still trying to make some sense of just what exactly had transpired this afternoon. Does it mean that if we don't answer all of them correctly, we get a 5 or an INC? Do we fail the subject if we get no less than a perfect score in our seatwork and homework? I don't know whether I should be happy about it or have more reason to worry.
God does answer our prayers in extraordinary ways. Sometimes we just can't make sense of them, but one thing's certain: in the end they always turn out for the best. And come to think of it, God has never - not once - let me down. Indeed, great is His faithfulness.Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 5:46 PM |
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Giving up
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March 25, 2007
2:01 am
Okay, that's it. I've had enough.
After tossing and turning in bed, eyes closed while hugging my pillow tight and trying to will my thoughts to drift off to dreamland; I have come to a sobering conclusion: I can't sleep.
I can't understand why sleep won't come. After a looong day, upon arriving at the dorm at about 12:30 am, I was dead beat, desperately longing for my bed, and dying to call it a night. After my prayer time, I snuggled myself to bed and contentedly awaited blissful unconsciousness... Thirty minutes passed... and it slowly became one hour...
I finally realized that I was nowhere close to getting to sleep, and that I was staring blankly up at space like some bug-eyed gecko mesmerized by a light bulb swarming with bugs.
So here I am, scribbling down notes... wondering what could possibly be keeping me up and keeping me from getting some shut-eye...
Is it because I discovered at around noon that my notebook was missing? I mean the notebook - the big blue one where I keep all my notes for the sem. Woe to the student who loses his notes just before the finals week. Stupid me.
Or is it because I saw -bleep!-'s profile on Friendster? And it went something like this:
-Bleep- is still so... Ah, I dunno... I actually brought this upon myself because I had to search for someone on Friendster. Stupid me again.
Haha, I could almost laugh at myself for that. Almost, but not quite. That's dry humor for you.
And now, where am I headed? Where are all these thoughts leading to? To sleep, hopefully... to nothingness...
That's where I want to go right now - to the nothingness of sleep... Where there are no lost notebooks to fret about and definitely no -bleep!- who's eyes keep staring at me from that face I know all too well...
Or then again, maybe not...
There's always the matter of dreams... but at the very least, dreams, unlike some conscious thoughts that are so hard to shake off, are ephemeral and fleeting. You easily forget about them and they're buried in your inner subconscious...
Only to brought back again by a Friendster profile or the sight of a dorm that's just one street away from my own...
*sighs*
Give it up. It's complicated.Labels: -bleep- |
| posted by remrick @ 4:42 PM |
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| About Me |
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Name: remrick
Home: Surigao City, Philippines
About Me: Let me tell you what I'm not:
I am not predisposed to bare my guts and soul here in the internet for the whole world to see just for the sake of it. It's just that I like writing, in the free and unstructured way that blogging provides for. I simply want to express what I think and feel. Is that too much to ask? Which leads me to my next point...
I am not invulnerable, in spite of all my attempts to put on a face of cool composure, and desperately wanting I was good enough to fool myself.
In short, I am not really what I seem.
So, would you still take my ramblings seriously?
See my complete profile
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