It’s crazy. I could almost laugh at myself. It’s 4 am, and I’m pounding away on my sister’s Compaq, trying hard to do anything but my thesis right now. But I’m not worried about our deadlines. I’m not even tired from staying up all night. Strangely, I feel so “normal.”
As normal as I could ever be. That means being the confused and confusing person that I am. And that is precisely what makes me feel so normal. Am I confusing you? Now, that’s normal. Don’t worry, I’m not crazy. Not yet, at least. This is just the way I am. Before life got a bit more complicated and out-of-control almost a year ago now. But that’s past now. I’ve realized the reason why I’ve been finding it so hard to turn my back on the past. It’s because I haven’t really accepted it as my past. I wouldn’t – couldn’t? – let go. And now, catharsis. Sweet release.
Anyway, I haven’t been like this for a long time. And it seems so strange to me now. This is just great. I can be myself again. It’s like rediscovering a part of me that I’d lost somewhere along the way. I’m still mildly depressed, but for different reasons now. Come to think of it, I always was mildly depressed. I always was a confusing ball of conflicting emotions.
And yes, the quicksilver temper. It’s me, alright. I’ve come to accept that. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna start lashing out at anyone at the slightest provocation. LOL. I just won’t deny it anymore – and the fact that that’s just who I am. I’m not exactly mad at anything or anyone particular. You see, there’s a big difference when you’re mad because the circumstances impose it on you and when you’re mad because you want to be, simply because it’s your nature and you find it too troublesome to go against it. The former is reactionary; the latter just comes naturally.
I’m not mad. But it feels good to remember the exhilaration of rage washing over me. Oh boy, I better stop this before you guys start calling in people to take me to that neat place with padded white walls.
Yes, this is me. All the different and sometimes conflicting versions of me.Look at me rant! Hahaha!
Hullo there! I’m back.
Talk about alter egos. *smirk*
