 |
| Saturday, January 10, 2009 |
|
Misc #7: Migraines
|
Migraines are back. 
It's been so long... I'm not used to the pain anymore. The same throbbing, head-splitting pain day in and day out, lasting for weeks at a time. It's excruciating. Makes me wanna scream, but it doesn't get any better. Worse, even. Now, I'm a paracetamol junkie. LOL.
Funny, 'coz the whole time I didn't have them was one of the most extreme emotional rollercoasters of my life. One of God's ways of not giving us more than we can handle? Or more importantly, a sign that things will get better? Headaches over heartaches? Ha! Headaches.  Definitely.  Labels: inside the self, rantings |
posted by remrick @ 3:18 PM  |
|
|
|
|
|
Misc #6: Leavetakings
|
We live in Surigao but we had to travel to Butuan, 3 hours away, to catch a plane ride with a 500 peso price tag. Before we left, Grandpa specifically asked for me so he could impart some advice on taking exams. Funny. Funnier still, 'coz I won't be taking anymore exams in my thesis-only semester.
Mom sent me off with 200 bucks as bus fare, promising to send my allowance within the week. Papa tells my three siblings to "feed your brother," but we don't live under the same roof. If it weren't for Auntie's pamasko, my pockets would be empty and I'd probably be added to the hunger incidence statistics of the SWS.
I've said my goodbyes to Northeastern Mindanao's rainy, humid weather and mist-shrouded mountains... Along with my hometown's tasty inasal and cheap barbecue joints.
It's time to leave again, and like Manila, the year ahead looms darkly before me - a perplexity and a source of potential stress. But what the heck, right? Happy new year, anyway.Labels: inside the self, rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:09 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
Misc #5
|
Now I know why for the longest time this blog has been dying. How do you capture in words the aimless, drifting, chaotic mass that's been my life for over a year now? Don't get me wrong, LOL. I'm not suicidal and I don't do drugs. I'm not even really depressed. It's just that I feel, and I know, that all this time I've really been wandering away from my Anchor. Still trying to find myself home, I guess. And this time, I hope I learn to stay.Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 3:03 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
Misc #3
|
I just thought about what would happen if I lost my legs... Quite a morbid thought, I know. Kinda typical of me, at times. 
But anyway, where was I? Ah, yes... The losing-my-legs part.... Then I imagined that when I get to heaven, I'd have a perfect resurrection body and there'd be lots of beautiful places for wonderful, solitary walks. But then I realized, maybe I wouldn't want to wander by then. After all, when God is at the center of everything, no matter what the reason, how could you walk away? Would there be anything else worth seeing, any thought worth entertaining, than the One who is above all, through all, and in all?  Labels: inside the self, rantings, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 2:49 PM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, November 29, 2008 |
|
footsteps
|
"Walk," he said.
He didn't even bother to tell us where to go or when to stop. "Just walk," he insisted. And so we walked...
Around the academic oval... He kept on texting all the while, or was otherwise silent, keeping to himself. He's always like that. You never know what's going on inside his head. And he'd go to great lengths to hide his thoughts and emotions from other people, confuse you with cunningly constructed statements and put on faces to make you think the exact opposite... I never did understand him. I guess no one really does.
Walk.
And walk we did... Outside the campus, towards Balara and eventually Katipunan... We were getting tired and sore from all the walking, but he kept right on. "Take me as far as you can go. Wherever that is." Putting away his cellphone, he retreated back into his thoughts, gathering his wits about him every now and then to casually survey the area. We traversed the entire length of Katipunan, up until the flyover. He motioned for us to turn left, but soon decided against it. It was getting dark. The streets and nearby neighborhoods were taking on a more sinister character.
Walk.
We crossed to the other side of Aurora and mingled with the unruly mass of people desperate to get a ride home. Where was he taking us now? Silence. Minutes pass by when he suddenly drags into a jeep headed for Montalban. "Manong, SM lang," handing over a 10 peso coin. It was a short trip and before we knew it, we were disembarking with the rest of the passengers. He walked towards the bridge, but soon realized it wasn't going to take him to SM. So he told us we were going under the bridge and see if there was another way to get acros. We followed the length of the road going under the bridge and soon realized we were at the Riverbanks area. After taking a look at a few shops, we finally decide to eat at Mang Inasal. He says he misses chicken inasal back home. "Pwede na," he mutters as he rises to leave.
Walk.
We found our way to another bridge, but this time it was the right one. Arriving at SM Marikina for the first time, I couldn't help but think of an airport terminal with the typical flyover going right in front of the building's modern glass facade and people milling about. He took us inside... Up all the way into the third floor and going through the shops, working our way downward, one floor at a time. The place was small, but it was spanking new. Evrything was bright and shiny, free from the dullness and dirt that leaves its mark over the course of time. He spent quite some time at the bookstore and made to sure to check out the restrooms At last it was time to go home. Or so we thought.
Walk.
Two jeepney rides later and we still weren't home. Where is he taking us? "Walking," he says with a grin. Oh boy, we're in for another long night. And it's as if we have a choice. Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 9:20 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, September 09, 2008 |
|
I have an exam tomorrow.
And yet here I am, pounding away in front of my laptop, lost in the world of cyberspace and virtual reality. *Sighs*
I need to do something... I'm killing myself, but the crazy part is that I seem to be only too willing...Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 10:53 PM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, July 26, 2008 |
|
sa(l)vaged memories
|
It has been months, but the wounds remain fresh.
It is astounding how a sinful act could have such unintended, far-reaching and damaging consequences. Memories, relationships, and persons - all have been brought to the brink of ruin. The gravity and seriousness of sin is a hard lesson, indeed. And I am afraid it is one which I have yet to personally learn.
Everything just collapsed. Even the few memories I have tried salvaging have gone sour. It's as if they've been tainted. Like people maimed and deformed by an accident. Like the rotting remains of a thing once alive. A thing once so full of life. A thing, which not so long ago, shared my own life too.
I say goodbye to the East Wing 2 I once so fondly knew. The East Wing 2 I tried to build up and invested myself in. I wish to believe that all my efforts have not gone to waste. But the taint makes me want to retch. It stings my eyes. It tears at my chest. And the tears fall silently.
That year is lost now.
But I will cling to the memories of my first and now, last, year in this corridor. I pray that the time will come when I will remember but will no longer hurt. When there will be no more pain laced with the memories.
For most of them who are in the dark, they don't know how lucky they are. Let them cherish the fond memories, the sweet moments and the friendships they have built. Even if some of those may have been built on falsehood and deception. But for the very few of us who do know the truth, it is a burden that we must bear. A burden I thought I could escape from. A burden I thought I could relieve by getting back at him. A burden, which in truth, is something I must learn to accept.
Pain purifies. I know this all too well. On hindsight, a degree of maturity came after the painful experiences before. This time, by grace, I look forward to something good coming out of all this. I look forward to the time when I can remember without hurting.
I just need to be faithful. I just need to hang on.Labels: inside the self, ragings, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 7:38 AM |
|
|
|
| Saturday, July 19, 2008 |
|
brother
|
I was about to post this entry:
" I gotta breathe this out.
I can no longer carry your burden for you. I've got enough of my own right now. I have my limits, too.
Until now, I still have doubts on whether you truly are (or were) a 'brother' to begin with. I want to believe you. Maybe because the alternative is much more painful: that we've all been fooled, completely deceived, even until now.
I never saw through you. You were much too guarded. Too withdrawn. Mysterious.
You and I are not so different after all.
But I was a failure with you.
As of now, this is the best I can do. But please, don't give me even the slightest excuse to doubt your repentance because I might not be able to control myself anymore. I just might take things into my own hand.
Believe me, there are many ways that I can make you regret everything. The right people just need to know the truth. And they do deserve it. It is only the fear of God and of ruining your life that holds me back.
What would your new fraternity do if they found out? How would your church react if it became public? I think of the shock and pain that it might cause the people around you: your dormmates, your friends... Will they still be able to look at you the same way? And your family... How would they take it?
I think of the person who molested you when you were a child. In a way, he has succeeded. In a way, you've done the very things he did. You have no idea of the consequences, or of the burden we bear. You've ruined people and relationships.
In the same way he ruined you. For your sake, I will not add to that. I will not let be like him. Even if you and I are not so different at all.
Repent, please. And may that repentance be true. Your leader and your church may coddle you, but I certainly won't. Make no mistake about it.
Farewell, 'brother.' "
But I thank God for setting me right. Forgive me, Lord. To love beyond one's limits, even those who are the cause of so much pain - that is what you have called me to. Teach me and uphold me by your grace.
Please be patient with me. I know I keep stumbling every other step of the way but bear with me and continue to pick me up again and again... until I learn to walk in your footsteps.Labels: inside the self, ragings, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 4:55 PM |
|
|
|
| Monday, May 19, 2008 |
|
summer's over
|
Summer classes have ended.
I won't be going home anymore.
Maybe until next year. Ah, I dunno..
My birthday's coming up, though. *smiles*
The rains have come. And along with them, a lot of things have been washed away. Yet in spite of the gloom from the overcast skies, rays of light continue to shine. And a lot of treasures have been revealed.. Cleansed by the rain. Shining in the faltering light.Labels: inside the self, rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 4:18 PM |
|
|
|
| Thursday, May 15, 2008 |
|
surreal
|
May 10, 2008
I thought things like these only happened in the movies and in stories. I never thought it'd happen to me. Ang gulo. Tell me this isn't happening. I wish I could honestly say that to myself. But this is real life. How do I face it? I don't know what to do anymore... Labels: inside the self, rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 4:49 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
hazard
|
May 9, 2008
It's always like this.
The people around me always end up getting hurt. Relationships always get messed up. Why?
I can't seem to do anything right.
Ginugulo ko lang buhay ng mga tao.
Maybe that's why I've always preferred to be alone. I'm a hazard. Perhaps I was never meant to be happy with the people I car for. I guess I've come to accept that.
But I have yet to be truly broken. Only then can I be made anew.
Until then, I am alone.
I need to and will always be.Labels: inside the self, ragings, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 4:45 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, April 29, 2008 |
|
third person
|
From across the street, he looks up and raises a hand in greeting.. Attempts a sad smile.. Fails.. Gives up altogether.. and bows his head once more..
A sad soul plodding on.
He goes on, trying not to let it show.. But deep inside he's broken, battered and bleeding.
The burden just won't seem to lift.
I wish I could share his burden.. but I can't. Perhaps no one can, except for the One he has chosen to follow. But the road is narrow, long and hard. Yet somehow, he knows he'll get there someday..
Home.
How he wishes others could come home with him, too. But they seem beyond reach his reach. They go their own way. He feels helpless.
Anguish fills his heart.
He wonders if God must feel the same. Did God feel the same way for him back when he too was still lost and stubbornly going his own way? Towards ruin..
Self-destruction.
The answer is no. No, God probably feels even more strongly than anyone could ever imagine. Not only for him back then, but also for them who are still lost and who have yet to find the Way..
Who have yet to find their way home.
He cries out and prays that God would bring them home.
If it be His will, then please let it be his consolation.Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 2:32 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, April 27, 2008 |
|
floating
|
Thanks for the parachute.
Yeah.. I'm getting better at this...Labels: -bleep-, inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:16 PM |
|
|
|
| Tuesday, April 22, 2008 |
|
homework
|
I need to learn to read people better...
That would eliminate a whole lot of problems...  Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:24 PM |
|
|
|
| Friday, April 04, 2008 |
|
concern
|
It's strange.
They hope I'm okay...
Mentors always seem to have a way of knowing... *Sighs*Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 4:23 PM |
|
|
|
| Monday, March 24, 2008 |
|
Truth
|
The silence stares at us...
Questioning. Waiting. As if straining to hear...
Bated breaths coming in reply.
The three of us stare back. Lost. Blank stares of our own. Swallowed by the night. Slinking into shadows.
Just when the answers started coming.
Just then...
I walk up the stairs; struggling for every scrap of dignity. Steadying my steps. My head floating. My chest about to burst. Butterflies gone wild in my stomach.
I try to stare back at every eye that meets my own.
Searching for answers in faces full of questions.
So many questions...
I think it's time I commit myself to really pray for someone. Make that a few people. They need it. God knows they do. I need to bring them There. So hard it should come like breathing.
So hard...Labels: inside the self, ragings, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 2:09 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, February 24, 2008 |
|
blindess
|
Blink.
Blink-blink-blink.
Blink. Here I go again with all this blinking. My friends simply tell me I have "beautiful eyes." And everytime I try to keep these 'beautiful eyes' from blinking like mad, my eyesight starts to swim. These eyes are failing me once more. I can't blame them though. Maybe I just haven't been taking care of them enough lately. Like the way I haven't been taking care of a lot of things. And what with all the exams and requirements these past weeks, not to mention my extra-curricular activities, responsibilities and commitments. But that's not really much of an excuse now, is it? As my vision wavers, I can't seem to keep my eyes on the real goals anymore. Everything's a blur. The things that matter have been obscured. I am groping in the darkness, hoping for a hand to reach out and hold mine. Hoping that that someone would lead me home and take away my blindness. Hoping for grace-healed eyes. Right now, all I want is to lie down and close these eyes... only to open them again in my dreams. But it's all the same, isn't it? Even the solace I find dreams and make-believe is just another form of blindness. I believe they call it 'delusion'. I can't decide which is worse. Maybe I'd rather have the delusion than face the reality of a life of deterioration. And it's all because of my own doing. Let these eyes have their rest. Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 3:15 PM |
|
|
|
| Sunday, February 17, 2008 |
|
out of place and misunderstood
|
I am...
Even in, and more painfully, in Christian company...
With my friends, they just can't relate to my struggles...
With my Christian brothers, I just don't fit in... They've all got their 'batches' and each one's closer to their batchmates than everyone else... I don't have that... I'm alone...
Sorry if this post is so lame and pathetic (I know right?), but right now, I'd just rather have self-pity than pride...
It's time to retreat back into the shadows again...
I don't wanna go to church this afternoon... I know what Scripture says about that, but it's not a question of knowledge, but willpower... not of knowing, I've had enough of that, but of doing...
I just can't make myself want to go...
Sigh...Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:26 PM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, January 30, 2008 |
|
knowing me
|
I've finally decided to stop "hiding" this blog... *Sigh*
It doesn't really make sense, anyway. I was just being irrational. Again.
A friend of mine had asked me why I didn't want people to know about my blog...
In the end, he asked me a startling question:
"Di kaya kaya ayaw mong ipabasa ang blog mo kasi ayaw mong makilala ka ng mga tao?"
That made me think... and all I could do was shrug, "Maybe."
"Bakit?" he insisted.
I couldn't answer the question.
Up to now, I'm still thinking about the answer...Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 6:45 PM |
|
|
|
| Wednesday, January 23, 2008 |
|
Old me
|
Going over my past posts and reading them again after quite some time triggered an upwelling of mixed emotions within me: anger and excitement, happiness and sadness, the melancholy and the funny, but predominantly a feeling of enjoyment.
I ask myself: Did I enjoy life more back then? From reading my posts, it would seem so. And call me conceited, but yes, I do enjoy reading my own blog posts. Sometimes, and of late, even more than my spiritual journal.
Maybe it's because my blog is supposed to reflect my life, with all its ups and downs. It's okay to mess up and fail. It's equally okay to be bubbling with excitement at one time or to be hopelessly blue at another. That's life. All sorts of things happen, and you just have to accept that. So all those things go into writing, faithfully recorded, here in my blog.
As for my spiritual journal, there's always a certain 'pressure to be positive'. I mean, I'm supposed to be a Christian. Christians are supposed to be joyful people. But what if I find little to be joyful about? Christians are supposed to grow in faith and bear fruit. But what if I feel that I haven't been growing at all and every single day's a spiritual struggle to make it through? What if the darkness won't seem to lift and there's no light at the end of the tunnel just yet? What's written there, and what's not, only makes me miss the joy of old that I used to have. And with my current condition, there is very little, if any, that I would want to put into words anymore. It would only make me more depressed.
In contrast, reading my old blogs and some of my very first posts thrills me. Never mind the errors in syntax and punctuation, the pathetic attempts at poetry or the feeble strivings at prose. As I was going over those old posts, I couldn't help but wonder: What happened?
It's hard to explain. My posts back then seem to have had more vitality... more life... All the emotions in varying kinds and intensities jump out at me from my own posts. But now, I feel that my writing and my more recent posts are 'constrained'... It's as if I've lost the freedom to be 'me' in my own blog. The posts are poor reflections of the realities in my own life. And there's a creeping sense of jadedness and resignation... maybe even defeatism...
The colors are gone. The emotions are stale. The writing tends to be just that, writing - letters on paper or words on the screen... flat and in a certain way, repressed.
Why? Where has the zest for life and spontaneity gone?
I don't know. That statement used to be a favorite in my old posts. And so is the frequent use of ellipses.
I'm still looking for that 'something' that's gone missing... that old spark of life in my posts... *Sigh* I wish I could get it back... recover what's been lost...
Maybe my current blog and my spiritual journal aren't so different, after all. What has happened to both seem to show stagnation and both tell the same story of general decline.
Where is the old 'me'? Or is that all there's left of me now?
An 'old me'.Labels: inside the self, the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 1:02 PM |
|
|
|
Ranting away... | Blogger Templates by Gecko & Fly.
No part of the content or the blog may be reproduced without permission.
Learn how to Make Money Online at GeckoandFly
|
| |
|
| |
|
|
| About Me |
|
Name: remrick
Home: Surigao City, Philippines
About Me: Let me tell you what I'm not:
I am not predisposed to bare my guts and soul here in the internet for the whole world to see just for the sake of it. It's just that I like writing, in the free and unstructured way that blogging provides for. I simply want to express what I think and feel. Is that too much to ask? Which leads me to my next point...
I am not invulnerable, in spite of all my attempts to put on a face of cool composure, and desperately wanting I was good enough to fool myself.
In short, I am not really what I seem.
So, would you still take my ramblings seriously?
See my complete profile
|
| Previous Posts |
|
| Archives |
|
|
| Old blogs |
|
| Friends |
|
| Interesting Sites |
|
| Groups |
|
| Affiliates |
|
|
|
|
