I was about to post this entry:
" I gotta breathe this out.
I can no longer carry your burden for you. I've got enough of my own right now. I have my limits, too.
Until now, I still have doubts on whether you truly are (or were) a 'brother' to begin with. I want to believe you. Maybe because the alternative is much more painful: that we've all been fooled, completely deceived, even until now.
I never saw through you. You were much too guarded. Too withdrawn. Mysterious.
You and I are not so different after all.
But I was a failure with you.
As of now, this is the best I can do. But please, don't give me even the slightest excuse to doubt your repentance because I might not be able to control myself anymore. I just might take things into my own hand.
Believe me, there are many ways that I can make you regret everything. The right people just need to know the truth. And they do deserve it. It is only the fear of God and of ruining your life that holds me back.
What would your new fraternity do if they found out? How would your church react if it became public? I think of the shock and pain that it might cause the people around you: your dormmates, your friends... Will they still be able to look at you the same way? And your family... How would they take it?
I think of the person who molested you when you were a child. In a way, he has succeeded. In a way, you've done the very things he did. You have no idea of the consequences, or of the burden we bear. You've ruined people and relationships.
In the same way he ruined you. For your sake, I will not add to that. I will not let be like him. Even if you and I are not so different at all.
Repent, please. And may that repentance be true. Your leader and your church may coddle you, but I certainly won't. Make no mistake about it.
Farewell, 'brother.' "
But I thank God for setting me right. Forgive me, Lord. To love beyond one's limits, even those who are the cause of so much pain - that is what you have called me to. Teach me and uphold me by your grace.
Please be patient with me. I know I keep stumbling every other step of the way but bear with me and continue to pick me up again and again... until I learn to walk in your footsteps.Labels: inside the self, ragings, the walk |
