Ranting away...: July 2007

Ranting away...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

sweet release

How do you make the tears stop?
That's a question I often ask myself, too. How indeed?
And the answer that comes to me is simple: I don't.

I do not make them stop. All I can do is let them flow freely until they finally run dry. The real problem is when I'm still crying even if the tears have already run out. Or when I want to cry but the tears just won't come. Or when I can't even find it in myself to cry or shed a tear.

It's small comfort, and maybe, no comfort at all; but I'm thankful for the tears and the sweet release they provide. I know I can still feel as long they still keep flowing.

Labels: inside the self

posted by remrick @ 9:13 AM 1 comments

Saturday, July 07, 2007

stand up

It has been a sad day.
No one's to blame; I know they couldn't always be there. They have needs, problems, and struggles of their own, too. Just like me.

And right now, I guess I'm being taught to give to people whom I expected to receive from.
Even if I don't like it, there comes a time when people have to step up. If not for myself, then at least for others who matter to me.
Even if I'm not sure if my own knees will hold, I've got to get up and help others to stand as well.

Labels: the walk

posted by remrick @ 3:38 PM 3 comments

Thursday, July 05, 2007

erase

Pretend it never existed... Pretend like nothing happened...
That post just goes to prove how desperate i was and still am.

Sheesh.

posted by remrick @ 6:21 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

swept away

As I said, the the past weeks of the sem so far have gone by like a blur. I get this weird feeling like I jumped into a lot of things without really knowing what I was getting into. I can't even compose my thoughts properly right now, I'm just barely keeping up with my academics, and I suddenly find myself taking on new responsibilities in the dorm, in my orgs and all my other extra-curricular activities.

For one, I was elected corridor representative of our wing. It's cool, actually, because I can help out and I was sort of forced to get to know everybody, especially the many newbies, despite being the anti-social person that I am. But dealing with a lot of people is taxing, and it strains my meager social skills. And I have to be a role model, and keep my testimony, too.

And then there's YCF. A lot of things are going on in the fellowship so far this year. Not that I'm complaining of the workload; it's just that I'm not used to being a 'leader' of sorts and being the point-person in our wing. I mean, last year, I was just a regular attendee; but now I'm part of the core group. And I'm still adjusting to that and all the responsibilities. People naturally expect more from me and sometimes it's hard to take the initiative with people who are older and probably more mature than I am in the faith. I mean, what authority do I have? Who am I, anyway? Barely 2 years as a believer, and less than a year in my Christian walk... that doesn't say much of me at all.

Speaking of my walk, a conversation with Kuya Jaylord one Sunday night got me thinking. He was asking if we could have lunch together sometime. He clarified that he wasn't going to mentor me, just that he wanted to get to know more and focus on the members of the YCF core. And I was like: "Oo nga noh... I never thought of that..." Maybe the fact that my discipler has left the dorm is just starting to sink in on me. Since Kuya Poy left, I never really had anyone teaching me and regularly checking on me. Well, I do have a lot of mentors, a lot of kuyas in the fellowship and the church. But, it's just different. I miss small group Bible studies. Especially since my last and only one was cut short and fairly short-lived. I must admit, nabitin ako doon. I miss having someone follow-up on me every now and then. But I don't really blame anyone. Things just change so suddenly. Although I am part of a Bible study group right now, I have to be honest in saying that I don't really think it meets my needs that much anymore. It's a fairly large and diverse group (about 8-10 of us), each one of us having very different needs. I can't, and I don't, blame Kuya Butch. Besides, the needs of the younger guys in the group take precedence. Meanwhile, the older guys also need more attention to be equipped for their ministries. I'm just somewhere in between.

Does it seem like I'm just hungry for attention? God forgive me if I am. But it'd be really proud of me to say that I don't need anyone to mentor me. I do need a mentor. Someone who can regularly check on me and my actions, because I haven't been able to watch myself ever since the start of this busy sem. Someone who can teach me things I want and need to know, and answer the many questions that pop up as I continue my walk. As more and more things are demanded and expected of me, I realize that I need to be dependent more and more on other people, especially older Christians. Or is is just me and my personality?

Sometimes, I stop myself and think. Maybe I'm rushing things a bit. Maybe I don't need to be as mature as other people would want me to be.
Huh, I dunno. A lot of things are on my mind most of the time. It would be nice if I could find a lot of time alone for myself, and maybe just think things over. But it would also be nice to have a mentor to talk to and help me sort through all this...

Labels: the walk

posted by remrick @ 11:42 PM 0 comments

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About Me

Name: remrick
Home: Surigao City, Philippines
About Me: Let me tell you what I'm not: I am not predisposed to bare my guts and soul here in the internet for the whole world to see just for the sake of it. It's just that I like writing, in the free and unstructured way that blogging provides for. I simply want to express what I think and feel. Is that too much to ask? Which leads me to my next point... I am not invulnerable, in spite of all my attempts to put on a face of cool composure, and desperately wanting I was good enough to fool myself. In short, I am not really what I seem. So, would you still take my ramblings seriously?
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