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| Sunday, February 24, 2008 |
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blindess
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Blink.
Blink-blink-blink.
Blink. Here I go again with all this blinking. My friends simply tell me I have "beautiful eyes." And everytime I try to keep these 'beautiful eyes' from blinking like mad, my eyesight starts to swim. These eyes are failing me once more. I can't blame them though. Maybe I just haven't been taking care of them enough lately. Like the way I haven't been taking care of a lot of things. And what with all the exams and requirements these past weeks, not to mention my extra-curricular activities, responsibilities and commitments. But that's not really much of an excuse now, is it? As my vision wavers, I can't seem to keep my eyes on the real goals anymore. Everything's a blur. The things that matter have been obscured. I am groping in the darkness, hoping for a hand to reach out and hold mine. Hoping that that someone would lead me home and take away my blindness. Hoping for grace-healed eyes. Right now, all I want is to lie down and close these eyes... only to open them again in my dreams. But it's all the same, isn't it? Even the solace I find dreams and make-believe is just another form of blindness. I believe they call it 'delusion'. I can't decide which is worse. Maybe I'd rather have the delusion than face the reality of a life of deterioration. And it's all because of my own doing. Let these eyes have their rest. Labels: inside the self, the walk |
posted by remrick @ 3:15 PM  |
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bad days
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I chanced upon them at the waiting shed.
She saw me and smiled. I raised my hand and mumbled her name. I tipped my head in acknowledgment at the guy. He grinned and said: Hi, 'thesis partner.'
I compressed my lips in what I hoped would pass off for a smile.
They're too close. He knows even that.
Man, I really hate that dorm just across the street... I run into all sorts of people I'd rather avoid...
I turned my back at them and said to myself, impatiently:
Ang tagal naman ng Ikot...
Labels: -bleep- |
| posted by remrick @ 2:45 PM |
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| Wednesday, February 20, 2008 |
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"mumime"
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Got this from the post "Ang Buhay Ng Walang Cellphone" at the blog "TaenaWalangTitleTongSiteNaTo." Hah, this guy sure has a knack for these things...
Too bad he's left the site and moved to LJ, where his posts are all in English... boring!
I love the way he writes in (this kind of) Tagalog...
":at lam mo kung ano pa ang sobrang sagwa sa text? yung mga taong MUMIME(moo-mi-meeh).. word yan na inimbento ni zoilo.. yan yung mga taong, well, mumime.. para mas malinawan kayo, bigyan ko kayo ng example.. ako : anong plano mo bukas? may gagawin ka ba? girl : d p lm n me e.. bka kc pnta me sa eastwood.. u? ako : erm, ewan.. baka umalis kami.. so anong ginagawa mo? girl : la nmn. no0d me ng tv. tps n kc hw n me e. tps na rn me eat. kya no0d nlng me!Ü ako : uh.. cge.. girl : no0d n b u jologs? ayw n me un e! pngit! turbo jologs! yuk! oh, il txt u l8tr ha? tae lng c me. tsk.. mumime pa kasi e.. ewan ko lang a, pero sobrang naaartehan ako sa mga mumime.. nakakainis pakinggan.. nakakaturnoff pa.. may crush ako dati.. tapos, nung tinext ko, putcha, siya yung pinakamalakas mume sa buong mundo.. taena.. di ko na tinext ulet.. nairita ako.. sorry nga pala sayo kung mumime ka ha.. pero kasi naman, kung gusto mo magenglish, magenglish ka ng buo, kung gusto mo, magtagalog ka nalang.. pero sino nga naman ba ako para sabihin sayo ang gagawin? heh.. pero ito.. kung lalake ka, sasabihin ko talaga sayo.. PARE PLEASE LANG WAG KA NANG MUME.. hindi bagay.. seryosong hindi bagay.. pero yungpakyut ka lang talaga at gusto mong magpaimpress ng mga tsiks at nakakapagenglish ka.. bahala ka sa buhay mo.. magme ka kahit kelan mo gusto..." Galing noh? Astig...
 Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:45 PM |
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haiku
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at a leaning tree
I looked; longing fervently
each blossom fallingLabels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:38 PM |
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light(!)
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How do you hold on to the light when, like fireworks that blossom in the night sky, it flickers and fades away right before your eyes?Labels: the walk |
| posted by remrick @ 3:29 PM |
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letter to a “friend”
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I'm sick of this silence.
This time, I refuse to keep mum in the face of people who think that they know me, you or our relationship. Frankly, I’m tired of putting up with them even if some of them are Christians, too.
Do they think that by hearing just one side of the story and seeing your tears they know enough about “me” and “us”? It hurts me too, you know… even just the seemingly plain teasing and careless comments, especially coming from my own sisters in the faith.
I’m sorry to say this, but I believe that this story has long been one-sided. But just because you’re the girl in this situation doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re the victim here and that you’re the only one who’s suffering.
I thank you for your forgiveness. God knows I’ve made so many mistakes and must have caused so much hurt. I want you to know that I’m not holding anything against you, but please don’t expect our relationship to ever be the same again. This is what you want, then so be it. I’m thankful that you finally took the initiative to do what I could not do – to finally end it and take the path of avoidance. Perhaps, this is best.
To set things straight, it wasn’t I who changed. We were friends since we were freshmen in high school. It was your feelings, however, that eventually got in the way of our friendship. When I found out about how you felt about me, I was faced with tough choices: to avoid you and end our friendship, or to keep it and treat you like the way I’ve always treated the rest of our barkada. It was hard for me, too. It still is even now. I chose the latter because I didn’t want to hurt you, even though you knew it would inevitably end up there because you knew I had feelings for someone else.
I’ve always treated you the same way I did back then. I didn’t want anything to change between us, but you became much more sensitive and started feeling hurt. What was I to do? Avoid you? If I had treated you differently, wouldn’t that have only given you false hope? Wouldn’t that have been far crueler?
Years have passed and here we are now in UP. Nothing’s changed with how I relate to you, but you kept on hurting and took offense at the things I said and did. I’m sorry if I failed to act the way you wanted me to act towards you, and to be what you wanted me to be for you.
You were the one who changed. The moment you started seeing me as more than just a friend, our friendship started to unravel. Things got complicated… and this is where we are now. I’ve tried to keep the friendship but everything has changed and it can’t be brought back to how they were before. It seems that it’s better off this way.
So this is it. This is what you want, right? I’ll keep the distance. I’ll give you your space. I don’t really care about how others might react. I don’t care if the people at church and if your ates there will tend to see me as the source of your problems.
I now have your forgiveness, and now it’s time to move on. We both need closure. I’m still your brother in Christ, but the “friend” you knew has died to himself.
And this is his goodbye.Labels: ragings |
| posted by remrick @ 1:47 PM |
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| Sunday, February 17, 2008 |
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out of place and misunderstood
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I am...
Even in, and more painfully, in Christian company...
With my friends, they just can't relate to my struggles...
With my Christian brothers, I just don't fit in... They've all got their 'batches' and each one's closer to their batchmates than everyone else... I don't have that... I'm alone...
Sorry if this post is so lame and pathetic (I know right?), but right now, I'd just rather have self-pity than pride...
It's time to retreat back into the shadows again...
I don't wanna go to church this afternoon... I know what Scripture says about that, but it's not a question of knowledge, but willpower... not of knowing, I've had enough of that, but of doing...
I just can't make myself want to go...
Sigh...Labels: inside the self |
| posted by remrick @ 3:26 PM |
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| Thursday, February 14, 2008 |
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chocolates on valentine's day
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I'm wearing black today.
No, I am not bitter about love. I just wanted to wear black because: 1.) I had a very long exam in public finance earlier today; 2.) we're supposed to wear black in a group presentation in another class; and 3.) I want to be different from everyone else wearing red or some other bright color. Believe me, I've nothing against people who celebrate valentine's. I'm just not a valentine's person.
But I did receive a present today. I got a box of chocolates from my English professor. Well, actually it wasn't really a box. More like a small heart-shaped container with three pieces of chocolate inside. Anyway, the story is that as our homework we were to bring a copy of our favorite love poems to class. Ma'am Laurel apparently expected us to memorize our poems. She was a bit disappointed, and asked if anyone could recite even just a stanza of his/her poem. I brought Pablo Neruda's Sonnet XVII and recited the first four lines. (By the way, it's a very beautiful poem.) Then she took out the chocolates and gave it to me as a "reward" for knowing a few lines and the title and author of my poem. It was really unexpected. Thanks ma'am. And for whatever its worth, happy hearts day, too. This time I'm joining in with everyone else: happy valentine's day!
Here's Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda:
I do not love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close. |
| posted by remrick @ 4:54 PM |
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Ortigas trip
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I had a great time yesterday when we went on an exposure trip to the Philippine Stock Exchange and the Asian Development Bank at Ortigas. At the PSE, we were accommodated by a UPSE alumna. As expected, she knew what she was talking about. I've gotta give it to her, she knows her stuff about financial markets. She was very articulate, and answered all our questions sufficiently. The trading floor was a bit disappointing. Apparently, the larger one was in Makati. There were few brokers there, about 45 all in all. And it was a bit boring watching them. We even caught a few of them playing solitaire on their computers and trimming their nails. Well that's finance for you, for the most part it's really boring.
But the highlight of the trip was at the ADB. The ADB headquarters is a wonderful place teeming with people from different countries all over the world. Being there is like being in in a museum abroad or a five-star hotel. The architecture is not only beautiful, it's also green, i.e. environment friendly and energy efficient. Both natural and artificial lighting complemented each other so well. And the furnishings and decor, mostly art pieces from all parts of Asia... along with the corridors that opened out to picturesque courtyards and gardens... Wow! I'd love to work there... Unfortunately, they need at least a master's degree and work experience, and you have to be "among the world's best" because you're competing with aspirants from all over the world. But anyway...
We met another UPSE alumnus who dropped in at our briefing with the PR Officer. I enjoyed listening to the exchange of questions and answers, and I really learned a lot more about the bank. For instance, they've got some pretty lofty goals out there, like their vision of "... a Philippines free from poverty" and the like. But we were enlightened as to how the bank actually hammers out deals and works with governments and other concerned sectors. Maybe ADB isn't so irrelevant after all, contrary to criticisms from some quarters.
They also toured us at their library, and how I wish UP's facilities were like that! It wasn't too large, maybe because a part of the library had already been devoted to multi-media resources and they were going for a "paperless office." And the good news is that it's open to the public. On thursdays at least, and you have to e-mail them 2 days in advance and bring a letter of recommendation from the college library. Too bad their database, along with the econometric data sets and stats, is not accessible for external visitors and is only for their employees. And I thought my life was going to be so much easier with access to ADB's databases. Sayang...
And when you get there, security's pretty tight, much like at an in international airport, with the x-rays, scanners, and complete with webcams that they use to take your picture and make customized IDs for visitors. Too bad we weren't allowed to bring our IDs home; it would have made a great souvenir.
But the best part was the freebies at the Public Information Office. As soon as the guide told us that the publications and CDs in this and that particular were all free, it was everyone for himself grabbing all those booklets, studies, technical notes, pamphlets and CDS - all absolutely free! Since most of us were juniors and are going to do our theses next year, we just couldn't pass up the opportunity of getting all those valuable resources at out fingertips. It looked as if we had just gone shopping, with the ADB printed "shopping bags" and all.
I was exhausted by the time I got back to UP. And I still had yet to study for an exam! But that's another story...Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:35 PM |
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| Tuesday, February 12, 2008 |
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never-ending questions...
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Am I getting paranoid?
Or is it just me?
Why do I feel like everybody I meet eyes with knows something about me that I don't? Like there in on a secret or something?
Is there something wrong with how I look? Like dirt on my face or an embarrassing note plastered on me?
Why do they keep on looking at me in a weird way?
Or could it be that they think I'm staring at them so they stare back at me suspiciously?
Is it the expression on my face? Are my looks just too sharp?
Why...?Labels: rantings |
| posted by remrick @ 3:34 PM |
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TP
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Delusion:
How can I be so dense?
She actually took the initiative, and all I could was give her a vague answer at that time. Ugh.
I really didn't get it until I overheard her conversation with friends at a party. Ayun tuloy, I put both of us in an awkward situation. She asked me to be her TP. Confronted by company, I agreed... well, sort of... at least, I think I mumbled agreement... Aaah...
Reality check:
She was at the fair with her ex last night - his arm around her shoulders. What am I supposed to make of that? Sigh.
If only life wasn't so complicated... and then what? Wishing away all the complexities, and maybe even having it fulfilled, doesn't change the facts. All I can do is rant on...
Hello angst... It's been a while...Labels: -bleep- |
| posted by remrick @ 2:56 PM |
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| About Me |
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Name: remrick
Home: Surigao City, Philippines
About Me: Let me tell you what I'm not:
I am not predisposed to bare my guts and soul here in the internet for the whole world to see just for the sake of it. It's just that I like writing, in the free and unstructured way that blogging provides for. I simply want to express what I think and feel. Is that too much to ask? Which leads me to my next point...
I am not invulnerable, in spite of all my attempts to put on a face of cool composure, and desperately wanting I was good enough to fool myself.
In short, I am not really what I seem.
So, would you still take my ramblings seriously?
See my complete profile
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