Ranting away...: letter to a “friend”

Ranting away...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

letter to a “friend”

I'm sick of this silence.

This time, I refuse to keep mum in the face of people who think that they know me, you or our relationship. Frankly, I’m tired of putting up with them even if some of them are Christians, too.

Do they think that by hearing just one side of the story and seeing your tears they know enough about “me” and “us”? It hurts me too, you know… even just the seemingly plain teasing and careless comments, especially coming from my own sisters in the faith.

I’m sorry to say this, but I believe that this story has long been one-sided. But just because you’re the girl in this situation doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re the victim here and that you’re the only one who’s suffering.

I thank you for your forgiveness. God knows I’ve made so many mistakes and must have caused so much hurt. I want you to know that I’m not holding anything against you, but please don’t expect our relationship to ever be the same again. This is what you want, then so be it. I’m thankful that you finally took the initiative to do what I could not do – to finally end it and take the path of avoidance. Perhaps, this is best.

To set things straight, it wasn’t I who changed. We were friends since we were freshmen in high school. It was your feelings, however, that eventually got in the way of our friendship. When I found out about how you felt about me, I was faced with tough choices: to avoid you and end our friendship, or to keep it and treat you like the way I’ve always treated the rest of our barkada. It was hard for me, too. It still is even now. I chose the latter because I didn’t want to hurt you, even though you knew it would inevitably end up there because you knew I had feelings for someone else.

I’ve always treated you the same way I did back then. I didn’t want anything to change between us, but you became much more sensitive and started feeling hurt. What was I to do? Avoid you? If I had treated you differently, wouldn’t that have only given you false hope? Wouldn’t that have been far crueler?

Years have passed and here we are now in UP. Nothing’s changed with how I relate to you, but you kept on hurting and took offense at the things I said and did. I’m sorry if I failed to act the way you wanted me to act towards you, and to be what you wanted me to be for you.

You were the one who changed. The moment you started seeing me as more than just a friend, our friendship started to unravel. Things got complicated… and this is where we are now. I’ve tried to keep the friendship but everything has changed and it can’t be brought back to how they were before. It seems that it’s better off this way.

So this is it. This is what you want, right? I’ll keep the distance. I’ll give you your space. I don’t really care about how others might react. I don’t care if the people at church and if your ates there will tend to see me as the source of your problems.

I now have your forgiveness, and now it’s time to move on. We both need closure. I’m still your brother in Christ, but the “friend” you knew has died to himself.

And this is his goodbye.

Labels: ragings

posted by remrick @ 1:47 PM

2 Comments:

At 1:35 PM, delusion angel said…

closure through a blog entry? seriously, what could get more one-sided?

i know you're not okay and you might not be willing to listen, but you assume too much. the person you described is a far cry from the person i know.

i'll just state the obvious. you need to talk.

my apologies for the careless teasing without basis.
At 12:19 PM, Anonymous said…

do remember that it was one-sided the moment she decided to bring the matter up before the whole congregation thru her testimony without even talking to me first. She was the one who wanted closure without even talking to me personally. I didn't even know what it was specifically about.

I'm listening, and perhaps, I may have assumed too much. my apologies. i merely wished to express my sentiments at that time. that's what this blog is for me; I never intended to write for an audience.

Thanks for the advice and the concern ate. Yes, we do need to talk. Kuya Butch told me as much before the sem ended. there were just a lot of more serious matters that i've had to deal with and continue to deal with until now.