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| Wednesday, January 23, 2008 |
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Old me
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Going over my past posts and reading them again after quite some time triggered an upwelling of mixed emotions within me: anger and excitement, happiness and sadness, the melancholy and the funny, but predominantly a feeling of enjoyment.
I ask myself: Did I enjoy life more back then? From reading my posts, it would seem so. And call me conceited, but yes, I do enjoy reading my own blog posts. Sometimes, and of late, even more than my spiritual journal.
Maybe it's because my blog is supposed to reflect my life, with all its ups and downs. It's okay to mess up and fail. It's equally okay to be bubbling with excitement at one time or to be hopelessly blue at another. That's life. All sorts of things happen, and you just have to accept that. So all those things go into writing, faithfully recorded, here in my blog.
As for my spiritual journal, there's always a certain 'pressure to be positive'. I mean, I'm supposed to be a Christian. Christians are supposed to be joyful people. But what if I find little to be joyful about? Christians are supposed to grow in faith and bear fruit. But what if I feel that I haven't been growing at all and every single day's a spiritual struggle to make it through? What if the darkness won't seem to lift and there's no light at the end of the tunnel just yet? What's written there, and what's not, only makes me miss the joy of old that I used to have. And with my current condition, there is very little, if any, that I would want to put into words anymore. It would only make me more depressed.
In contrast, reading my old blogs and some of my very first posts thrills me. Never mind the errors in syntax and punctuation, the pathetic attempts at poetry or the feeble strivings at prose. As I was going over those old posts, I couldn't help but wonder: What happened?
It's hard to explain. My posts back then seem to have had more vitality... more life... All the emotions in varying kinds and intensities jump out at me from my own posts. But now, I feel that my writing and my more recent posts are 'constrained'... It's as if I've lost the freedom to be 'me' in my own blog. The posts are poor reflections of the realities in my own life. And there's a creeping sense of jadedness and resignation... maybe even defeatism...
The colors are gone. The emotions are stale. The writing tends to be just that, writing - letters on paper or words on the screen... flat and in a certain way, repressed.
Why? Where has the zest for life and spontaneity gone?
I don't know. That statement used to be a favorite in my old posts. And so is the frequent use of ellipses.
I'm still looking for that 'something' that's gone missing... that old spark of life in my posts... *Sigh* I wish I could get it back... recover what's been lost...
Maybe my current blog and my spiritual journal aren't so different, after all. What has happened to both seem to show stagnation and both tell the same story of general decline.
Where is the old 'me'? Or is that all there's left of me now?
An 'old me'.Labels: inside the self, the walk |
posted by remrick @ 1:02 PM  |
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| About Me |
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Name: remrick
Home: Surigao City, Philippines
About Me: Let me tell you what I'm not:
I am not predisposed to bare my guts and soul here in the internet for the whole world to see just for the sake of it. It's just that I like writing, in the free and unstructured way that blogging provides for. I simply want to express what I think and feel. Is that too much to ask? Which leads me to my next point...
I am not invulnerable, in spite of all my attempts to put on a face of cool composure, and desperately wanting I was good enough to fool myself.
In short, I am not really what I seem.
So, would you still take my ramblings seriously?
See my complete profile
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