"Happiness comes more from loving than being loved; and often when our affection seems wounded it is only our vanity bleeding. To love, and to be hurt often, and to love again - this is the brave and happy life." - J. E. Buckrose
Aside from the beautiful quote above (I bow down to J.E. Buckrose, whoever he/she is), this is just a collection of some nonsense stuff (come to think of it, have I ever written anything sensible?) I hadn't deemed worth publishing in my weblogs. But reading them again, makes me smile - at my stupidity, sentimentality, craziness or at just bein' plain ol' me, whatever... So here they are. I tell you I should be hanged, beheaded, burned at the stake, etc. for writing such things, but hopefully there's something to be gleaned (not only about myself) from between the lines of my crazy posts... rant and rage
I don't know what went wrong. It was a beautiful night. The garden had undergone a total transfromation. Funny how good lighting and arrangement could make the place so beautiful and romantic. It was dinner under the stars and boughs of trees laden with orb lanterns made from capiz shells. People were made-up and well-dressed, and the copmpany was super. But halfway through the formal dinner, I had lost my appetite and the great food (wouldn't have expected it of Gloria's) had lost its appeal. The garden was quite a sight, the night sky enchanting, but... I was bored... something was wrong and I knew I wasn't enjoying myself. Was it because I sudenly realized I had failed in my acads as I watched the university and college scholars go up on stage? Was it beacuse I had this feeling of regret for having passed up so many opportunities to become more active in the dorm and our corridor? Or was it because I was so frustrated beacuse I didn't see the person I was aching to see that night? Damn it, I want to rant and rage the whole night about my miserable existence. Failure and regret taste so bland and gross. Disappointment and longing had all but ruined the beautiful ambience. The night was fascinating and fun, but it was torture deep inside. Now, here I am in my room, with no one but myself, pen and paper. It just eats me up to see myself wallowing in disappointment and self-pity... how pathetic... I want to shut myself off and bury my head in my pillows. I want to escape into the world of dreams. Sometimes, this world could get so harsh and cruel you'd have no choice but to want to escape. At least, in my dreams, I can still find some solace. Now, they're all I have - dreams... While the rest of the real world rants and rages this horrible night away... 1:58 am, March 12, 2006
Master Showman
Ten more hours from now and I'lle be having my final exmas in Math 100. Add another 2 hours and 15 minutes, and I'll be having my final exam in English 1. After downing a bootle of Gatorade, a mug each of coffee and Extra Joss, it's a wonder jow I still manage to feel sleepy... My eyelids are heavy and my thoughts are ever so slow... Maybe beacuse I only slept for three hours this afternoon and had no sleep at all last Saturday night. This can't be happening; I haven't finished reviewing for Math yet. And I haven't even started reviewing for English. Sheesh... Well, walang tulugan ito....
1:29 am. March 27, 2006
Numbers
Never in my life have I felt so helplessly afraid. Ugh, it's even worse than Math17. At least back then, I was relatively confident that I'd pass the stupid subject even if I flunked the finals. But this time, it's a different story. If I don't get 35.21% of the items in the final exam correctly (that's about 28 points out of 80), I'm going to fail Math100... and lose a whole lot more than the money I paid for that subject... my scholarship, my good academics standing, my parents' trust, and my chances of ever graduating with honors... Even on the way to the Math Building, I was already freaking Ivan out with my panicking. Yes I prepared for the exams the night before, studying until about 3 am, but the fact is, it wasn't enough as I wasn't able to study all the topics covered during the term. So when I received the test paper, I was stumped. The actual exam was totally different from the lone sample exam I was able to get my hands on, almost twice as long, and having a coverage that was way more expansive. I was sweating myself silly, and it wasn't just beacuse of the horrendous heat. I had forgotten some of the steps and even whole processes on what to do with certain problems. I answered just about half of the friggin' 80-item exam, and I'm not even sure of those answers. Some of the solutions were so complex that one single mistake mistake could cost you the points at stake in one item. And my profisn't any help either, not being the type who's generous with partial points. I can't understand why I fell so bad. There's so much anxiety, fear and even guilt(?)... It could be because I knowo I hadn't pepared as best as I could for the exams; the circumstances not permitting it beacuse of my involevement in other things (4th Math long exam last wednesday, Soc sSci2 final exam last thursday, and the GA cup and Yearender Stuff on Saturday..). When I handed my papers and bluebook to our instructor, there was no usual feeling of relief or sense of accomplishment after finishing an exam. When I stepped outside the room, it was 1:50 pm. Shit, I had another final exam in English 1 at Palma Hall! Still reeling from the Math exam, I dashed off to the next one. When I finally arrived at PH 124(thank heavens it was just the first floor!), what I saw made me want to howl... It was past 2:00 pm and the exam still had not begun yet. My classmates were all oh-so-relaxed, while I, on the other hand, had almost ran about half a kilometer (or at the very least a few hundred meters), looking like I had just stepped out of a sauna bath, worrying myself to the limits of my sanity, and along the exam had not yet begun!? And my classmates were all sitting pretty! Grrr... A few minutes later, after finding a seat, Ma'am Aguilar arrived. She hurriedly pointed out about 5 persons, and said "Exemptions!" She explained that the five needn't take the exam anymore. I wasn't among the five. Not having recovered from my previous exam yet, my heart sank, and deep inside I was saying to a 1.0 in English. Fortunately, my saetmate Franco (God bless his soul), asked me how long the exam was going to take. Clueless myself, I raised my hand to ask Ma'am Aguilar. When she saw me, she looked surprised and said in her lilting twang: "Oh, why are you there? You're not supposed to take the exam. You don't have to take the finals anymore..." Again, I felt like I wanted to howl like some mad beast gone loose... But again, even my (unexpected) exemption in English couldn't lift my spirits... Math was just so depressing... I'd rather take 5 final exams in English or even flunk English 1 than fail in Math 100. Aside from being one of my majors and being a 4-unit subject, failing in means I'll be delayed beacuse it's a prequesite for my higher majors. ENglish is just a GE subject; I'm not supposed to retake it in case I fail. But in the end, I have no one to blame but myself. It was all my fault... a case of mistaken priorities... lack of focus... The exam was far from being a piece of cake, but it would have been a bit easier if I had thoroughly prepared for it.... I have so little faith... In the end, no matter how things turn out, it'll always be for the best... Even if it means a 5.0 in malevolent Math...
More Math
Just got hold of a great mag this afternoon, and reading it made realize how long it's been since I'd had a good, pleaurable read. It also made me realize how crappy my writing has become. The writers were so good; if only I could write with as much clarity, wit and humor. Blah, all the required readings, class lectures, and academic stuff make wanna puke. It's a good thing the term's ebding and I'll have some more time for leisurely reading. But the problem is, there aren't any decent bookstores back home. And the nearest NBS outlet is nautical miles away in Cebu. SInce I havoe nothing better to do this summer, might as well hone my writing 'skills.' Maybe then I could consider shifting to Creative Writing or Journ, away from all those wretched aliens, the bane of any student and mankind in general - Math Professors There are two grim possibilties that face me in case iIMath 100... I lose my scholarship and much more... If I get a pasang-awa grade (2.5-3.0), I won't be able to shift out of the Scool of Econ. to the College of Science (Am I serious?)
Either way, I lose - big time. And all because of Math. Actually, I'd rather not consider the first possibilty, I tsand to lose everything there. But if I get a pasang-awa grade, even just a three, I still have a chance of shifting if I take MATh 53&54 abnd get a grade of 2.0 or better in both subjects. Fat chance that is, but al least I have a chance. March 28, 2006 Somewhere in time
It all started with a pair of eyes a look to them I found so intriguing and then things were never the same. I started noticing you evrything about you the way you walk or fix you hair how they frame, and your oriental eyes or that faraway look in them, when you stare straight ahed, pouting and how they crinkle everytime you smile a cacreless glance here and there rare moments of laughter they never went unnoticed I couldn't get enough of you Everyday I wait for you in the places I've come to expect you to be and everytime you're there I lose myself. You're verywhere in my thoughts, in my dreams you're always there. But you don't even know me I'm just a shadow that follows you around unnoticed, taken for granted The situation's already too complicated, as it is But I still hope, being the fool that I am, for things that would never be. All I ahve are dreams of getting lost in those eyes... of you... and alove that never was. But I still belive in those dreams that they'll be mine to fulfill somewhere in time. Meanwhile, I'll keep on dreaming these heartaches away. . . Heartaches
I like awake staring at nothing Toss and turn twist and curl aching inside longing for your face it's too much I want to cry but the tears won't come. I'm torn within it's madness this unexplainable thing they call by so many names and I'm hopelessly trapped tormented under its spell Please, Someone save me. Labels: inside the self, rantings |
yay. first time here. and all i can say, YOUR BLOG IS A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. (Paula Abdul...is that you?!) hahahaha but i mean it, rem. i love the template, and of course, your ever phenomenal posts. i kid you not. t'care!