I've been trying to avoid getting hold of pen and apper ever since I stepped inside this floating hunk of metal they call "Superferry 19."
I've been trying to keep myself from writing. Ironic, isn't it? Especially for someone like me who considers himself a 'writer.' But there just isn't any pleasure in writing anymore, given the circumstances. I'm all alone, drifting in the middle of the sea, still a bit depressed for having just left my home for my freshman year and leaving behind great friends and the person I've fallen head over heels for, with no certainty that I'll ever be seeing some of them again come the next academic year, and even if I do, I'd still be tormented by the facte that the circumstances have changed and we'll all be living different lives... Talk about run-on sentences! Am I ranting like hell here, or what? Sigh, it's just so... frustrating... This bundle of emotions I can't even begin to describe. Though I feel much better now, having prayed fro everyone and lifted up everything to Him, I still can't deny the fact that something's still nagging at me.... I'm still troubled... That's why I'm hopelessly scribbling on the pages of a blueboook I barely managed to extract from my overstuufed backpack, writing and trying to let off some steam. Ah, here goes another long night. . .
8:11 pm, April 1 2006
Untitled "It's hard to lose something that can never be yours in any way youthink of. You just have to learn to let go and accept that whilse some good things never last... some don't even start." That one hit the spot. Oooh, I so hate myslef for doing this... all this whimpering, mushy, senti, stuff... I never would have imagined that stuff like these would ever bget published in my blog. But I don't get it. Up to now, I'm still left hanging, asking myself how I couyld've fallen so hard for someone I barely even knew. Was it the person's fault for having such irresistible eyes? ANd why did it have to happen just when dorm life was about to end? So many questions... And it never was in the first place, we didn't even know each other... So why do I get all these feeling of loneliness, longing and regret? I don't know how or why, but just when I was leaving the dorm for good this morning, I saw 'someone' lining up toi get a dorm clearance. Damn it. I went blank. LOL. To think that just yesterday I was all gloomy and blue beacuse 'someone' had left the dorm last Thursday. Come to think of it, I can't explain my reaction just this morning. I should have felt bad beacuse the person I'm talking about wasn't recommended to any of the upperclassmen dorms, so I probably will not be seeing that person again... ever... But instead, I felt good... I felt ... relieved. A sign that i'm finally getting over this madness? Nah, it's a long shot. But I hope so...
8:39 pm, April 1 2006
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE This ship is sooo scary... Ghost ship? Hah, you wouldn't believe what I'm about to tell you... It'll make your hairs stand on end... (sfx: fade in: deep demonic laughter, fade out, cut#) Having nothing better to do, I was roaming around the ship and found myself heading towards the videoke bar and dining salon... When suddenly I heard this strange sound... It was a weird, mellow voice... I opened the door, when I looked inside... there she was... Horror of all horrors! Ano'ng mga nagaganap?! A white-haired granny (in a duster, if I'm not mistaken) was up on stage, singing a soulful rendition of "Give thanks." And what was even more mind-boggling was that the crowd (yes, there was a crowd) was actually singing along with her (although, some of the guys and not a few grils were sneering at poor-ol'-granny)... I was like: blank expression, mouth hanging open and one BIG sweatdrop. . . Is it Sunday yet? For crying out loud Lola, why are you singing an offertory song in Superferry 19's videoke bar? Utang na loob! Is this some sort of anticipated mass for tomorrow? Or am I just having a nightmare? If so, then please wake me up before I join the likes of Rico Yan (bless his soul)... I couldn't take it. It was just too much to bear. I left in a huff. What's happening to the world? Or is it just me who's lost his marbles? LOL. 'Di kazya. . .
10:29 pm, April 1 2006
MEL-ancholy
Few people know just how beautiful the sea can be. And the endless expanse of deep blue is just as beautiful, if not more so, at night thany by day. . . I'm here in the dining salon, sitting near the bar and staring out the large viewing windows. Twilight is coming, and the flying fish are gliding away from the ship, as if racing the fading daylight. The sun seems to lose its fiery radiance, starts to frizzle and dim, splashing hues of glod, red, and purple across the western saky as it touches the water at the far horizon. But the fiery display of colors is just the appetizer... When the oceans swallow and put out the sun's light, the moon and stars come center stage. It's nice to look up at the clear night sky with your sight unhindered by the glare of city lights. And it's just indescribable when you look up at the huge dark dome above you, filled with countless glittering gems and a smiling crescent moon... Or how the cold, silvery light of the moon and stars shines in the playful waters below... But amidst all its beauty and romance, there's a certain sadness to the sea. I don't know why, but I feel it everytime I look out into its depths. Or is it just me? Could it just be God's way of telling us that we could never appreciate the beauty and hidden joys in life without first recognizing the sadness that inevitably goes with it? If you come to think of it, you'd never be happy, and appreciate it, unless you've known how it feels to taste loneliness and sadness. Like all of nature's mysteries and life's ironies, it's something i can't explain or even just put a finger on. Anyway, enough of my philosophising. 
For the meantime, I'm trying to relax. . . taking in the view. . . I've had enough of thinking about beauty and (my) madness - and sadness. I left all those in UP. And even if I know it's crazy, I know it's impossible, I'm still longing to have them back. . . 5:33 pm, April 2, 2006
Labels: inside the self |
