My blog has gone comatose. It's dying. Not because I wanted it to, but because present circumstances leave me no other option. I'm just being practical here. It's just a matter of priorities, really. And academics always come first. Unfortunately, acad stuff has been eating up a huge amount of my time. Heck, with all the homework, exercises, and papers I have to do, I barely have time to write for myself. So here I am; stuck with a blog that's dying of neglect and is in dire need of extreme unction. But I just can't let it go like that. It needs to be saved. Whoever said that "the world doesn't need a savior?" Ah, screw Lois Lane in Superman Returns. Everyone needs a savior, if only as a figure of hope at least. We all need help some time, that's why we even bother to live together in society. That's why we have family, friends and loved ones to stick with us through thick and thin. And right now, my blog needs help. Or, maybe it could just be me. So, I' coming up with this last-ditch attempt to resuscitate some life back into my blog. I'm publishing a series of long-overdue posts that I haven't been able to find time for, until now. I know, they're not exactly fresh. They're dated. But it's the best I can come up with at present. A guy's gotta work within his limits. And oh, there are those times when no savior shows up to help. Times when Superman can't come to the rescue for one reason or another. Times when we have to face things on our own (though it doesn't necessarily mean we're alone). Although it's nice to hope on someone, we have to come to terms with the fact that that someone won't always be there for us to hope on forever. Then we realize that the only savior we have is ourselves.
8:38 pm - July 20, 2006 Will somebody please close down the coop store?
I stop and pause to think. And I can't help but sigh. I guess the day's events have just been too crushing for me. I'm in state of shock. I've been sitting around staring at empty space, until I finally managed to make myself grab a pen and start scribbling something down. Argh. And right now, somebody's flooding my mobile's inbox with the same old stupid message. People can become such pests sometimes. I started the day with only 5 hours of precious sleep. OurMicroeconomics-exercise-sets-from-hell had to be submitted today. Then I had to sit through yet another meeting in my Fil40 class under Prof. Fabros. The guy makes sense; it's just that he tries too hard to be funny. And it gets on my nerves sometiomes. Totally irritating, completely annoying. In the aftrenoon, we had a quiz in Macroeconomics . It was okay. But I couldn't help but get the feeling that my answers both in the essays and computations weren't satisfactory enough to merit a high grade. After that, it was a long exam in Statistics. Again, it was okay. But I totally blundered my answer in one of the problems, so I most probably won't be getting an A in that one too. Sheesh. And just when I thougt I had enough for the day... Suprise, surprise... I was wrong, of course... Yes, it wass -bleep- (again). Apparently, -bleep- and someone else.
I saw them at the cooperative store (I am never going to do my grocery shopping there gain). You see, they were together, and... You do get the point, don't you? Ugh. I don't even wanna describe it. I could have sworn a horde of ants would have pounced on them any moment. I saw the world collapse around me, right and then there (I exaggerate, of course. But by how much, I leave that up to you to guess). And all I could say to myself was. . . Ouch.
July 14, 2006 -Bleep-
Before you brand me as an emotional masochist, I’m going to jump the gun on you.
I know I’m a fool. I’m stupid, and it’s just so pathetic of me.
I thought I was finally starting to get over it.
I thought I had come to let go and accept that maybe we just weren’t meant to be…
that -bleep- was just out of my reach, and perhaps, would always be.
I thought I was slowly getting -bleep- out of my system and that maybe, it was time to move on and start looking for someone else.
Apparently, I thought wrong.
Heck, I ask myself if I even actually “think” anymore.
Everytime I see -bleep-, my mind spaces out and thinking gets overpowered by unfettered emotions.
Argh. I hate it. But I can’t seem to do anything about it. Call it sadomasochistic tendencies… the way I seem to want to punish myself and find pleasure in pain.
I don’t even know why I allow myself to get so affected. Why am I so affected?
Can I choose to ignore what I feel, or am I just helplessly held captive by my own feelings for -bleep-?
Right after dinner, I was subjected to a rude awakening. I was walking back to the dorm with my friends when I saw a familiar figure. Yep; sure enough, it was -bleep-, now wearing glasses and a shorter hairdo. To me, it just gave an air of sophistication. In short, it was way too cute for me for me handle.
Damn. It all came rushing back. I couldn’t help it. My fears had come to confront me head on. With my heart racing, -bleep- passed us by. My friends didn’t notice; they didn’t know. But I sure did. And deep inside, my world had turned upside down. I was all topsy-turvy.
After quite some time, -bleep- looked even better than I remember. And sadly, that just goes to prove that I am so not over it yet.
I wasn’t thinking. Just the mere sight of -bleep- deprives me of rational thought. And not to mention sleep. Even until now.
And for that, God help me.
July 10, 2006 Microeconomics and Ma’am Kraft
Somebody help me. I need something to prop up my eyelids. It’s only now that I realized the “monotonicity” of Dr. Kraft’s voice. Sorry for the jargon, we’re talking about consumer behavior right now. And if I were a consumer, Ma’am Kraft would be a neutral good, which means I would be indifferent to her and her lecture. She’s not only NOT an optimal choice, even taking exogenous variables (i.e. price changes, income effects, etc.) into consideration, my demand for her lectures would definitely not increase and/or shift outward. But alas, her class is a necessary good; being a 4-unit major subject I’m required to take. Argh, now she’s talking about the derivation (using calculus) of reservation prices. Has it occurred to me that I’m actually not paying attention anymore, and that I’m scribbling my gripes here in my notebook in the middle of my microeconomics class? Blah, who cares? I can’t take it. I’m afraid my eyelids would continue to droop and that I’d really fall asleep in the middle of the lecture. I therefore conclude that microeconomics is not a mentally stimulating class. You just don’t know how hard I try to fight the urge to doze off. And we’re not even halfway through the period yet. Oh, please. Give me some slack. A break is what I need. Blame it on the cool weather. And the pleasant, air-conditioned classroom. Or Dr. Kraft’s droning, motherly voice that soothes you like a lullaby. Or is it just because I just can’t seem to grasp what on the world she’s talking about? Is her approach a bit too mathematical and “intuitively appealing” but complex to interpret? Or is just because I’m a dunce at math? I think she’s starting to notice that our minds are drifting off to never-never-land or someplace else. She just put down the microphone and is now asking us about the assumptions for convexity of the model being discussed… Okay, now she’s back to ‘normal’ (read: boring)… Whew, for a moment there I thought she was going to call out names. I have to stop. We’re moving on to substitutes and complements, and she’s starting to take good looks at us. Until I can’t stand the urge to hibernate again… ‘Til then, trusty notebook and sympathizing scribblemates…
2:30 am, July 9, 2006 Looking up
My blog entries can be broadly classified into two categories: 1.) my never-ending personal issues, and 2.) my gripes and complaints about life in general. I’m always complaining… How boring my profs and their lectures are, how my hectic sked on Mondays and Thursdays just eats me up, or how the friggin’ weather doesn’t seem to want to cooperate. The list goes on… And the worst part is I worry too much. Yeah, and I’m supposed to be a Christian? Shame on me. I’m always mumbling to myself, wondering how I’m gonna do this or that, what will happen when and where, and why all things seem to be cluttering and complicating the “simple life” I have always dreamed of. Sheesh, I wonder how I could have managed to cling to mental normalcy all these years. But you know what? On a positive note, I don’t easily feel bad or depressed anymore, even when I’m pressured and all stressed out. I no longer feel bad about myself, and instead, I smile. Funny, I know it sounds crazy. It’s like somebody turns on the lights every time it starts to get dark and gloomy. Weird, huh? I dunno. It’s just that I could always seem to find something to smile about. Then I realize, thing’s aren’t that bad after all. For the past week, it's as if God has always given me a reason to smile in spite of all my troubles; the rat race we live in and the daily grind of UP life. Something good just pops every time I start to worry about things. Like when I was running out of money last Friday, and when I checked my ATM, mom had just sent me my allowance for the fourth straight week in a row. And I’m supposed to receive my allowance only twice a month. Or the time when I was worrying and uncertain about my answers in an exercise set in Econ, only to find out that they were correct all along. And just this afternoon, I emerged smiling to myself from my suking neighborhood internet café. Why? Oh, let’s just say I (finally) found a picture of -bleep- amongst the tangled filesystems and directories in the computer shop. *wink*
6:36 pm, July 6, 2006 Chasing shadows
Argh. Wait a minute, my head’s still spinning. Just woke up from a quick nap; it’s become some sort of habit of mine to take short naps whenever I can. That’s what sleep deprivation, irregular sleeping patterns, and daily stress do to you. The past few days were a blur of activities, and I guess I’m still recuperating. Monday night saw all the newbies of East Wing 2 at the Tambayan Complex, practicing for our presentation for the Acquaintance Party. All the racket we made caused us some angry shouts and curses from nearby Ipil Residence Hall. So off we went to the parking area near the street. But we were still eventually forced to call it a night at almost 12 midnight because East Wing 1 was complaining that we were causing a disturbance. My personal take on that is that they just didn’t want us to finish our rehearsals because they were intimidated. But that’s another issue.
The moment Tita Glow told us that because of our very “cultural” presentation, the Philippines was now ready to host the Olympics; we knew we were the team to beat. And sure enough, we clinched the crown.
Eat yer hearts out East Wing 1
After the newbies presentation came our “Welcoming Rites”/ Initiation. Again, it took them forever to get it started and get it over with. We were blindfolded, led to all sorts of places, screamed at, made to do all sorts of tasks in different stations, made to squat for minutes, and splattered with icky goo all over. Then, just like that, it was over. It wasn’t bad, not really harsh as I had expected. Only, the squatting part wasn’t very kind to our knees. And it became a mad rush to the shower stalls, afterwards. The food was so-so: orange pansit, (palabok? I’m not so sure), a piece of bread and orange juice. But then, the measly servings could not lick, or even put a dent on my appetite. Hey, I didn’t have dinner because they said we’d start at 7 pm, but in fact, it started at about 8:30 already. So I came back with Andrew and Monchi for round 2. And we came back again for round 3, where we stuffed ourselves with Spanish bread and pan de coco. Considering Monchi’s build, it was perfectly understandable. But Andrew? For such a small guy, he sure has an appetite. But then again, he did dance like he was high on drugs or something, so it’s excusable. Anyway, I still had to shower and tidy up before going to bed. I went to sleep at half past three. Woke up all groggy and disoriented at about noon. Did some computation work on my Econ exercise sets, had a few bits of toast, showered, and hied off to my CWTS class at Econ. After two brilliant speakers during the last two sessions, we had a film showing (Munting Tinig) on education. Even if it was cool and comfy inside the audi, and the film was a bit dated, I still didn’t feel sleepy at all throughout the two-hour period. (The film had been bought by Warner Bros. for distribution?) After class, it was off to the Lagoon for the Correp Selection of the new Basement Boys. We ended at about 7:30, and I, Carlo, and Mac proceeded to Balay Kalinaw for the Dorms Christian Fellowship activity. It was solemn, but also fun. Yakal came out on top of the other dorms in Paint-Me-A-Picture. The food was great (Last time, YCF’s pansit was also superb). Partly because it was Kuya Arbie’s (the current DCF president) birthday celebration. The palabok was super, the spaghetti was savory, and the Black Forest cakes were heavenly. Even the egg sandwiches were tasty. And Kuya Dave’s renowned trifle capped off the sinful indulgences. There was no need for dinner when we got back to the dorm at around 9:30. But I still had to finish my Econ exercises and read up on a few subjects. And today… hell, it’s another Thursday. As usual, my schedule’s hectic and I was late in one of my classes. Thank God it’s already Friday tomorrow. I need to catch some Z’s. And clear up my head. I don’t think I can put up with all this shadow work any longer.
July 5, 2006
Bola
As usual, it was the mad rush to the attendance sheets again after our CWTS class. I was jostling my way out of the auditorium, when I noticed a bunch of people crowding around a pair of tables, so reminiscent of a typical ukay-ukay scene. And all the while, I thought I was in UP.
Oh, so our first reaction papers had just been graded. I was looking for my paper amongst the jumbled mess, when two people caught my attention.
Anorexic Girl: Oh, tingnan mo oh. Ang galing naman niya, naka-1.5 siya.
Fat Guy: Hayaan mo na, magaling lang talaga mambola ang mga iyan.
Then, it hit me. Right then and there. And I couldn’t help but wonder (so Carrie Bradshaw, I know):
Has writing been reduced to a matter of pambobola? Could it really be just about one’s skill with manipulating words and adeptness at literary techniques to achieve a desired effect on people? Or even deceive them?
Does writing all boil down to manipulation and deception?
Frankly, I don’t agree. Well, excuse me, but I beg to differ. And it isn’t just because I got a 1.25 in my paper, which implies that I’m actually better at pambobola than the guy they were talking about.
I think Fatso was just bitter because he got a measly 2.0 while most people got 1.75’s and 1.5’s. And I refuse to believe that writing is just all about flattery and pambobola, and giving people what they want to hear.
For one, it’s an insult to the readers. I mean, UP students are supposed to be intelligent (and critical) enough to see through the pambobola and be able to asses on the merits of good writing, content, and sound reasoning. How much more for our professors?
And then again, there’s the sincerity factor. Again, people can usually distinguish between what is sincere and what is ‘synthetic.’ You know when a written material is true because the sincerity comes through. Thoughts and feelings jump out of the words to tap the mind, tickle the imagination, and touch the heart. Nothing beats sincerity in writing, not even technical skill with language.
But then, I could just be on the defensive, simply refusing to let other people belittle the grade I had worked hard for.
Well, we all do have our biases. But it doesn’t give other people the write to imply that our papers are just craftily written works of pambobola.
It’s such a shame. Especially when some people just don’t know when to speak for themselves.
July 3, 2006 The unitiated
After over a year here in UP, I am still one the “orgless” – one of those rare souls who still do not belong or are not affiliated with any organization whatsoever. My provincial org is inactive, so it doesn’t count. At first blush, it would seem like there are lots to choose from. There must be hundreds of organizations, academic and otherwise, fraternities, and sororities all over UP Diliman. But then, you find out that in reality, there are actually very limited pickings. Or at least for me it is. First there’s the exclusivity of organizations. Of course, academic orgs will usually not accept any applicants who do not belong to their particular field of interest. For instance, the UP EcoSoc doesn’t accept non-econ majors in the same way that the Association of PoliSci Majors accepts only political science students. Then, the people who make up the org is a big factor, too. If they’re snot-nosed rich kids who speak a hybridized (read: coñotic) language, then you are well-advised to avoid them like the plague. And lastly, there’s also the application process to keep in mind. App periods vary from one month to one year, and some even until you can meet the org’s requirements, those with Talents Nights and Final Rites and those without, and those who seem to be content just by your simple act of signing up your name and where the app process is virtually non-existent/ one-big-farce. Why haven’t I applied for any org? Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t like the general ‘feel’ of the people who populate the UPSE, and Econ-based orgs. Let’s just say they’re not my crowd. And besides, the application processes are usually demanding/ demeaning. Which brings me to my point: Why do orgs have to make such a big fuss over their application processes? Can’t they be like the dorm-based Christian fellowship where all you have to do is regularly attend gatherings every week? Even here in the dorm, they’ve got an Initiation or what they call “Welcome Rites.” (Which I assume is more politically correct?) What happens during these Final/Welcome Rites? Well, they make the applicants/ newbies do all sorts of things. Eyebrows propped up and voices raised, they dress them down and grill them with questions, make them roll over in the mud and do all sorts of challenges, dress in drag and strut their stuff on the catwalk, strip to their undies, and sometimes, even worse… (I’m serious.) What for? Well it’s mostly psychological. They reason out that orgs usually want to the test the mettle of their applicants and their seriousness in joining. Some say it gains the trust of the senior members, helps get to know the newbies, and bonds them together. I don’t really buy that crap. The reason most people do is that it’s the standard line of almost all organizations, and you know what they say: “It becomes truth if you repeat it often enough.” If they really want to screen the serious applicants from those who have nothing better to do, then why couldn’t they at least make them do things that are actually related to the nature of the organization? What’s with all the unrelated, and may I say unnecessary, tasks and challenges? Case in point: why did male applicants of the UP EcoSoc have to do crossdress their way in a fashion show to make it in the org? I could have accepted it if they were made to take a diagnostic exam or something, or made to solve cost functions and derive the demand function or something. Are they after the entertainment? Do they just want to make fun of the applicants? Could it be that the senior members just want to flaunt their over-inflated egos (I hope it bursts), and assert their superiority/ seniority? And participating in the FI doesn’t really make you more trustworthy or bonded with your orgmates. What, does just that happen in an instant? Poof! Okay, I trust you; from now on we’re close. That’s a bit hard to swallow – and quantify. It’s just a perception, something planted in the mind of every of every applicant from the time of orientation. It remains unquestioned because it’s the widespread practice. Give me the facts or the results of psychological studies and I may just believe them. Why the need to put on faces on the part of the members and play hard-to-get-org? Honestly, some orgs just don’t deserve all the hassle. If they really believe in their lofty ideals, why subject the applicants through all sorts of things (psychological/ emotional torture and battering, humiliation, etc.) all in the spirit of good clean fun(?). Whatever. The worst part is that it breeds a vicious cycle. The applicants become members, who in turn make it hell for later applicants, and who also perpetuate the unquestioned cycle, ad infinitum. I dunno. Maybe my standards are just a bit too high. Or I’m just too proud and I actually think that I can stand alone and that I don’t need an org as a crutch or to prove my worth. Or I’m simply just too lazy to put up with those. I’m starting to condition myself for an orgless life for the rest of stay here in UP Definitely none in the UPSE. Or at least not yet. Well, I do plan to eventually join an org. But one with no Talents Night and Final Rites, please. (*twitch*) All at the right time. Who says you need an org to make the best out of our stay here in the university? And if it’s just for the sake of decorating you résumé come graduation time, oh please… It’s so not worth it.
June 19, 2006 Academics
I’m starting to regret taking the maximum load this sem and enlisting in Prof. Pernia’s Macroeconomics class.
My schedule is a mess. And Macroeconomics is sheer torture.
Prof. Pernia’s class is a sleeping pill. It’s a struggle against eyelids adamantly wanting to shut themselves tight in the middle of his lectures.
He comes to the room a few minutes past two o’clock, takes up another few minutes plugging in the laptop and loading the slides. He talks in a droning monotone, repeating concepts over and over again, concepts which are basically rehashed from Econ11, self-explanatory, and expected of us Econ majors to be knowledgeable about. He explains them thoroughly, and takes time to pause and think before clicking on to the next slide. And he has this knack for dishing out Latin expressions (Okay, here comes Latin101), written in the Greek alphabet. (*twitch*)
I could bear all the deliberate, in-your-face spoonfeeding sessions… I could fight the urge to drop to the floor dozing and instead force myself to focus…
IF only he dismisses us 15 minutes before time or at least on time.
As it is, he finishes his lectures way past the time. I’d really love to stay around and chat with him, but the problem is I have a class at the School of Statistics, a few minutes walk away. Our Stat instructor doesn’t really care if we come in late, but unfortunately there’s a shortage of seats in our classroom because he accepted too many prerogs. So being late means I’ll have to stand in a conspicuous corner in our cramped classroom for the rest of the period. One word: harsh.
So now, I don’t care if Dr. Pernia doesn’t finish his lectures on time.
I just walk out on him.
Sorry, it’s not my fault he doesn’t follow the 15-minute rule or that his watch is probably late.
And all the while I thought I was so lucky I had secured a seat in his much-coveted class.
Cursed CRS.
Registration
Just got back to the metro last Tuesday.
And miraculously, the registration process wasn’t such a pain in the behind as I expected it to be.
There were none of the usual lines that stretched for miles. I breezed through the transactions, and would have finished if I hadn’t gone to Greenhills to get myself a new phone.
Yep, I just bought myself a new Motorola SLVR L7. It has an awfully limited internal memory; I guess that’s what the memory card is for, but even then… Anyhow, I couldn’t find the Sony Ericsson K700i I was looking for. The few shops that did sell it, sold it at a much higher price than what my sister paid for her phone. But at least now I have a functional phone gain.
I’ve also moved in to my new dorm. Not bad, especially when compared to the other dorms on campus. My roommate’s a History major; we don’t talk much but he seems nice. Our other two roommates have yet to show up.
And oh, I was expecting I’d take two days to get registered because the stupid CRS (as usual, blame it on the system) didn’t give me PE class, just like last sem. But I was early, and I settled for a Walking for Fitness Class, 7-8 am, TF. Okay, don’t give me that look. At least I get some regular exercise.
Anyway, after I finished enlisting, I took an Ikot instead of a Toki Jeep from the Gym, half-expecting to see -bleep- because the route passes through the College of Science and Palma Hall. And when the Jeep passed by the Physics Pav…
Aaargh, never mind.
Saw -bleep- again later in the afternoon, still with that someone.
Sigh. I’m hopeless.
Labels: -bleep-, ragings, rantings |
hi rem.
i really love the way you write. i have a new blogskin rem hehehe. chevy made it.