Ranting away...: A floor price for charity

Ranting away...

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

A floor price for charity

There was this girl I met at McDonald's, around lunch-time today.

She's probably around my age or maybe even younger, though she seemed much older to me. I guess that's what poverty and a hard life can do to you. She virtually came out of nowhere, to appear just beside me just as I was about to pay for my meal. Right palm open and outstretched, and eyes pleading, she asked me for my barya.

"Kuya, pahingi naman po ng barya niyo. Pangkain lang po para sa mga kapatid ko," she mumbled solicitously.

I usually don't give money to those who go about begging. And besides, she looked like she was used to doing this stuff. But I don't know what came over me and made me say "Wait."
I gave her 50 pesos, and told her to use it only for food. She thanked me and disappeared. Just as suddenly as she had come.

As I ate my meal, I kept wondering...
Should I feel like I've been cheated? If so, if she was dishonest and wasn't really going to use the money to feed her siblings but for other things, should I feel bad for just 50 pesos? God provides for all of my needs everyday, and I feel bad for parting with a measly 50 peso bill: is that right? Doesn't St. Paul say "why not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded?"

On the other hand, if she was telling the truth, would 50 pesos be enough for her who-knows-how-many siblings? Should I have given more out of compassion for someone who was reduced to begging from strangers just to get something to eat? Is giving enough, when she is obviously in need of so much more than just mere alms?

I don't know. I could have chosen to give more if I really wanted to. Or I could have refused to believe her and sent her away empty-handed.

I think of that girl and I remember another experience when I was still a freshman. A friend and I were walking along when we were suddenly accosted by a filthy man dressed in rags. He was reeking of garbage and the stench of a body that had remained unwashed for a long time. He asked, no demanded, money from us. I reached for my wallet and saw only 70 pesos. I was about to hand him the 20 peso bill when he refused. He asked for a larger amount(!) Indignation began to well up inside me.
"The nerve of this guy; and to to think that he was setting a floor price for charity(!)"
The 70 pesos in my wallet was all I had for my meals the following day, as there were no meals at the dorm during Sundays.

The man explained that he needed a large sum for money for his sister who was sick and had to be brought to the hospital.
"Heto nga po ako eh, mabaho at madungis sa pangangalkal ng basura para lang makapaghanap ng pera."

I wasn't about to believe him, but when I saw his eyes... His eyes, welling with tears, were like the eyes of a child who had gotten himself hopelessly lost and didn't know what to do.
They were the eyes of desperation.
There was a vulnerability in them and in his voice, and I felt that he was struggling not to let it show. As if he was forced to swallow his pride and even his dignity for something he considered far more important... There was a certain reluctant honesty about him... Something that the seasoned beggar and the namimihasang manlilimos have reduced to some sort of show or petty performance.

I gave him the 50 peso bill instead. My friend, who still had to commute home, turned him down. I could have sworn that he would have begged us for more, if I hadn't shown him the lone 20 peso bill in my one hand and my empty wallet on the other. He bowed his head and thanked us, and walked away.

I believed him. If I had brought more money, I would have given him more. I felt bad that I wasn't able to help him. I couldn't even part with all I had even if I felt that he needed everything that I could possibly give.

To be honest, I was a bit terrified when he suddenly approached us and emphatically asked for money.
"Oh great, here comes another one of those mad taong-grasa..."
"Is this guy drunk or high on drugs or something? Okay Rem, step away from the psycho..."
I was half-expecting him to draw out a rusty blade or something and declare a hold-up.
But he didn't. And strangely, the desperation that bordered on madness that I saw in his bloodshot eyes tell me he was sincere.

You could call me a gullible fool. Or you could sarcastically say that the the guy deserves an Oscar for his acting. I don't care.

Supposing that you were in the same situation, and nobody would believe you, how would you feel? Do you know how it feels to be helpless? Can you imagine seeing a loved one waste away because of disease or affliction right before your very eyes, knowing you can't do anything about it because you can't scrape up the money to bring him/her to the doctor even if you scavenge in the garbage heaps all day? Or how about seeing your brothers and sisters, or even your children, stretched out on the dirty pavement, wailing because of hunger?

I'm not saying I did the right thing. I did not, and that is my shame. Nor do I do this to make you feel bad, just because I do. I just want to let out all these thoughts and feelings inside of me. I feel bad because I can't do anything about it. Because I didn't do anything about it. And because I'm not doing anything about it, except for typing away here in my blog, posting my stupid thoughts and silly sentiments...

I ask myself: What good is the capacity to feel for others when I can't even muster the will to just help them? What good was there in giving 50 pesos to the girl at McDo and the guy who demanded our help, when they obviously need so much more? Does no one feel their pain? But more importantly, doesn't anyone have the heart to help? I wish I did. I wish I could.

Labels: rantings

posted by remrick @ 3:39 PM

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