Ranting away...: confessions of a control freak

Ranting away...

Friday, May 04, 2007

confessions of a control freak

If I had the mind of God and the world was at my fingertips, I would neatly order my life, and the lives of everyone in general, exactly the way I want it to be.

In economic parlance, I would seek to maximize everyone's utility and forever eliminate risks, the threat of shocks, and negative externalities. I would abolish pain and suffering, and rid the world of its ills, imperfections and corruptions. Everything would run smoothly, though maybe not as precisely as clockwork.

Of course, that is one big IF. Reality bites, and the sad truth is, life does not conform to our tidy and detailed schedules, and seemingly high and noble ideals. And we could never really know the full implications of our actions.

Not everyone can be rich and famous, because these qualities are relative standards derived from comparisons with others. If everyone was the same - in fame and popularity - then life would simply be boring. And we would always want to be richer and more popular than everyone else. Also, a world without pain and devoid of the capacity to suffer would be a world that does not know how to feel at all. It wouldn't know how to feel for others. Pain seems to be an integral part of human experience. Without it, we would have no point to compare and appreciate all the more life's simple joys and pleasures. Without being hurt, we would not know of and care about hurting others.

In the end, it turns out that I simply do not know what I'm asking for. I could never comprehend the complexities by which the world operates. My conception of what is ideal, turns out to be worse off, and the present reality as we know it, is the best and only option we've got. We are not made to be in control. Man is not his own master.

But why do I persist in the foolish notion of having things 'my way?' Why do I want to be in control of every aspect of my life, even if I can't really know what will be good for me? Because my nature tells me so. 'I' must be in control. 'I' must shape my own destiny. 'I' must have power over the things and events that happen around me. 'I' must be at the center.

In other words, call me a control freak. A self-centered control freak.

Why do I want control? Because everything has to go the way I want it to be. Because I look after my own interests. Whether or not I take into consideration the interests of others, that depends on me.

This is how I am. This is my nature. And I think you see a little of yourself in it, too. For some, maybe more than they're willing to admit.

And so, here I am. When everything goes out of hand, when things fly at my face, I am peeved, frustrated, angered, even enraged...

But I've long since learned the truth, hard to accept as it may be. I know I'm not in control. So when things go out of control, I grin and bear it. Even if my nature rebels at it, I just say: "You know what's best. Have Your way."

Sometimes, it's easy to accept these things. Other times, I find it so hard, bordering on the impossible.

I don't want to be powerless. Being stripped of power and control, even over my own self, exposes me for what I really am: a bundle of self-conscious thoughts and emotions, a tangled mess of hopes, desires, insecurities, and fears. I don't want to be rendered helpless. Let me be anything but helpless.

I detest helplessness. It is, in fact, my greatest fear. Man fears the unknown - death, darkness, the depths of suffering, the uncertainties of the future. But in the end, he fears these unknowns only because he has no power over them. He is helpless before them.

Right now, I hate myself for being helpless. I despise this feeling helplessness, of being unable to make things better.

I stand to lose not just a dorm, but a 'home;' not just dorm mates, but 'family;' completely clueless as to where each of us is headed. And I can't do anything about it.

I've realized that it is useless to rebel and complain or even curse the people behind all this. No amount of endless complaints, no matter how just or fair, and no amount of scalding criticisms, no matter how reasonable or justifiable, can change things. In the end, we are forced to make do with what has been given us.

Is it wrong to want to look after the interests of not just myself, or not even myself, but for the other people who I care about? Can't I be a control freak for a cause?

Apparently not. I can only hope for the best. Meanwhile, it's a bitter struggle with helplessness. And it's killing me.

I just might have to concede defeat.

Labels: inside the self, rantings

posted by remrick @ 5:30 PM

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